of finding light in the dark....

How do you make sense of your feelings? When does the line between friendship and what lies beyond that become a blur? Suddenly you find yourself facing a rather confused state of mind. On one hand you are somewhat emotionally unavailable, and on the other you realize that letting go might just be what you need to move on. And on the road to moving on you have complications and twists. Life is indeed full of surprises. When you least expect it, someone comes knocking on your door and you don't feel like shutting him out the way you've done to all those other men before him. Perhaps it was just the music. Or maybe it was the rain? Could it have been the late night drive that made you feel mellow and romantic all of a sudden? Or was it the person himself? Suddenly there was this strong urge to lay your head on his shoulders and forget about all the complications. I think I need to get away for a few days. Just to clear my head and figure out what on earth is happening. It's difficult enough having to deal with my own emotional turmoil but when the other party decides to play chess in the sense that, today he makes one bold step forward and the next day he decides to take ten steps backwards, then it's becoming a bit too taxing on my emotions. I understand the complications, the circumstances, but what I can't understand is why am I feeling this way again? My head is telling me that I don't care but somehow the heart seems to have a mind of its own. You really can't control these things. Once upon a time, I said this to someone: I can tell my head what to think, but I can't tell my heart what to feel. Sometimes I wish I could just shut down my emotional system and function like a robot, because eventhough I'm only 26, I feel like I'm already 50. Emotionally drained and tired. So dear readers, answer me this, what do you do when you find yourself slowly developing an emotional attachment for your 'friend's' best friend?

she's a woman...

she's a woman
strong and confident she stands
against all odds
she does not bend
beautiful and wise she stands

she's a woman
in a world of men
like dust she can disappear
yet she does not bend
walking tall because she can

she's a mother
a wife and a lover
a sister and a daughter
a leader...

there's strength in adversity
when trouble comes
and hardship beckons
she fights with her wit
and battles not with her fists
she cries,
yet her tears do not signify she's weak
she cries for her family,
she weeps for society
and with her tears
determination comes to light the dark
to right the wrongs
to prove her worth

she's a woman
God's gift to men,
her strength gives her will to win,
her passion never wears thin,
her beauty comes from within,
her love is everlasting...

she's a woman,
tall and passionate she stands,
with courage that makes her stronger than men,
like dust she can disappear,
yet for eternity,
she will always be here.

my words, my memories...

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the guitarman...

And with his guitar he sweetly sang,
melodies of long ago,
lined with words of hope and sorrow,
of yesterday and perhaps tomorrow.

The gentle touch of rhythm and blues,
Telling stories with nothing to lose,
He played his songs straight from the heart,
Coz' he's seen it all
And survived them standing tall.

The guitarman has a smile on his face,
As he sings and strums the night away,
There's a sadness in his melody
There's hope in his memories.

And with his guitar he sweetly sang,
Holding back tears from his melancholic eyes,
Wondering about all the pain and lies,
That coloured his life and hid the answers to his whys.

of friends and strangers...

It's truly amazing how a stranger can waltz into your life out of nowhere and with it bring a 'light' that is indeed rare and somewhat beautiful. People say that love works in funny ways. As true as that is, the statement also applies to friendships. At the most unexpected turn, you find someone so different from you and yet not quite opposites either, someone under normal circumstances you probably would not have had the good fortune of meeting. And yet as the world turns, as God works His plans, you chance upon a stranger who at times renders you speechless, or makes you smile on your own. Truly, God is great. When you're down and troubled, He sends someone to make you laugh, someone to talk to, someone to listen to. A friend to lighten the troubles and show you that there are still things to smile about. It takes a stranger sometimes to light up your darkest hours. With something as simple as a mere text message, or a phone call, or having coffee somewhere. A rare friend, that's what this stranger is. A regal, refined individual. A gentleman, a kind soul. Someone who seems to have stepped right out of a 1950's film. There's a certain kind of charm in the way he writes, the way he talks, the way he carries himself. I can't quite find the right words to describe him, but all I can say is that this person is a wonderful friend. In the short period of time that I have known him, it is amazing how he has already made me laugh and smile, and cry as I listen to the words of a poem that he had penned down some time ago. Friendships are forged under the craziest circumstances sometimes. And yet they find a way to flourish, with a light that shines bright as day and kindness that envelops like the breeze at night.

what tangled webs we weave...

Life is filled with intricacy. Webs we ourselves weave filled with lies, deception, manipulation, distraction, pain, agony...and the list goes on and on and on. Yet we tell ourselves that all is right with the world. But of course reasons are abundant. That is why it is important not to judge. Different people have different troubles and each individual has their own unique way of overcoming their situations. Perhaps the wise chose to face it head on and take the bull by its horns. But who's to say that would be the best course of action? In any case, we all deal with our troubles in our own ways. Some chose to weave tangled webs in order to get out of the mundane drudgery of their everyday lives. And sometimes these webs lead to other things. Other discoveries. But fact remains that the tangled web is hard to untangle. It gets more twisted as we delve in deeper and as days go by, we go about wondering how the hell did we end up in such a great, big mess? For the most part of last year and this I have been living in a mess. Not literally, but you get my drift. The past kept haunting and the future seemed bleak. And then one fine day, I woke up and suddenly the sky was a different blue. I realized that I should not think so much about where my life was going to lead up to. The present seemed like a nice place to live in for a change. So I packed up my history and decided to keep it under lock and key. They're still there, mind you. I am not one who believes that the past should be forgotten and never be remembered. It's just that in order to live in the now, I can't afford to keep looking back. Because like it or not, life goes on. Suddenly things seem a whole lot less messier, though the new webs I'm weaving in efforts to untangle old webs are beginning to look pretty complicated and somewhat twisted, but as I've said, I am finally feeling somewhat better. So basically, the moral of the story is that nothing is ever simple. You may think it is, but somewhere along the way, something is going to jump out at you and say "you've been punk'd" (or something to that effect). Never think, not even for a moment, that life is a thornless bed of roses. I learnt that the hard way, so here's passing a piece of old advice, which I believe is not said often enough: Life is rarely pure and never simple. No one could have phrased it better than good ol' Oscar Wilde. Therefore I have opted to, in the words of Mark Twain, I’m throwing off the bowlines. I’m sailing away from the safe harbour. I’m gonna catch the trade winds in my sail. I am learning it the hard way that the life I thought I perfected this whole time is simply going to leave me with more pain and heartache. So here's to a clean slate. Here's to living for the moment. Here's to writing a new book altogether. Here's to me. Now, how can you not drink to that?

of propagating lies disguised as realizing dreams...

Somebody on facebook asked this question: Why did the Malaysian government spend millions of taxpayers' money to send a gay male model to space as a "space tourists"? Though I don't really care for Dr Sheikh's sexual preference, I completely agree with the question. From the start of the whole program I have been a sceptical observer. It just screamed utter nonsense from the get-go. Space study is something unique, exclusive, a specialization that requires a lot of dedication and intelligence and passion for the field. As is true for any other field of study for that matter. And leave it up to the Malaysian government to commercialize a field of specialization without taking into account the entire issue, but just to touch it on the surface and scream on the top of their lungs that we're great for doing this. How can you have a competition to select someone to go into space for research purposes? If the competition was restricted to members of the space study community then that would be ok. But the way the competition was structured, I could have applied. Whether I make it or not is besides the point, but fact still remains that I could have applied if I wanted to. What they're doing is exactly what the question asked - space tourist. They're sending a medical doctor into space to conduct some research for a few days and then come back and be applauded as a hero. Heck he's not even back yet and already he's being heralded as a hero. I'm sorry but I don't see him as a hero. I see him as a Malaysian scapegoat being used by the government to gain publicity for all the wrong reasons. Why on earth did we spend that money to send an unrelated individual to space when the momey could have been used to fund a better space research facility in Malaysia, so that one day, maybe twenty or thirty years down the road, we can have a truly malaysian astronaut blasting off into space in a malaysian program, not hitching a ride with another country. Why is it so difficult to look at things in the long run? That is the problem with the malaysian government, for the most part, they only care about the now. They want publicity, recognition, fame, but they don't realize that they're going about it the wrong way. The good doctor comes back after spending a few days in space. What next? Is he going to turn into a dedicated astronaut and follow that path of career? Or is he going to go back to his life as a medical doctor and be forgotten after a year? I believe it will be the latter. How would this benefit the space study program in Malaysia? Millions was spent trying to find the malaysian astronaut just to send him on a vacation into space, when the money could have been utilized for other meaningful purposes. I was at the mamak stall when the local tv stations were broadcasting Dr. Sheikh's blast-off event and most of the patrons there were cheering for the good doctor. What's worse than an ignorant government is the fact that the people are turning to be ignoramus' as well. I don't see anything to cheer, nothing to applaud for. By agreeing to such a program, that simply means agreeing to publicity stunts and meaningless efforts to put malaysia on the map. No offense meant to the good doctor, but he does not deserve this fame and recognition. All he is is a puppet on a string.

Eid Mubarak

The season of festivities is upon us again. Ramadhan flew by somewhat speedily and now here we are, another Eid to celebrate. Alhamdulillah the fasting month was a good one and much as I was dreading Eid this year, I'm actually enjoying myself. Smiles, laughter and all. I guess it's true how certain things happen in your life in order to give you a better perspective on other things. Anyway, it's gonna be a short post today, considering the fact that I should get off the internet and go mingle with the guests! Eid Mubarak dear readers... Maaf Zahir Batin... May the festivities bring smile to your lips and joy in your heart; as it is for me....

smile, and may your pain be worthwhile...

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...

If you smile

With your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

As I pray to the Lord for your life to be sweet and filled with all the happiness you may need, I pray that the angels watch you sleep, and guard you till the light comes shining through after night, and sorrow be kept away from your sight...

Every soul has a story to tell. Every present has a past, and every darkness was once bright with light. There may be sad stories, there may be tales of joy and wonder, and there may be those who are still wandering aimlessly around, looking for inspiration, looking for hope. What is life without hope? What is love without hope? It keeps you going in times of sorrow. Hope fills your heart with strength for a better tomorrow. But once you give up on hope, then you might as well give up on life. Putting up a brave front is an art that I have mastered to a near perfection. A feat that requires an enormous amount of strength. Strength that would not be possible without faith and hope. For over a year and a half, I have been threading amidst shattered dreams that prick like broken glasses. Some may think I'm simply blowing things way out of proportion, but all I can say to them is that each pain is unique, each sorrow is different and each heart bears it in its own way. I pulled through because I have faith in God and in the fact that He does things for a reason. There are no coincidences. And with that I believe that hope is always there. No matter what. The question remains however, as someone asked me earlier today, is do you move on? I looked deep into my heart and I smiled. For the first time in what has appeared to be aeons, I actually smiled inside. I had music in my head and I had rhythm in my feet, and I smiled. That question did not warrant a verbal answer. It was written in the stars. Penned in magic and crystallized to last through eternity.

Perhaps I'm going around in circles, but then again that's what we writers chose to call poetic license. Laughter is apparent again. Almost obvious, considering I'm even smiling to strangers. How uncanny the way the world turns. It affirms when you least expect it to. It tells you that the answer was there all these while. And I could see it clearly, clearer than a cloudless night, clearer than the sands on the beach.

As I move along forward, I look to the faces around me and smile at them. I take their hands and whisper to the wind. Hoping that it will carry my message across. There's strength in adversity. All it takes is a little courage to brave the storm. The tunnel was never dark, my eyes just got misty with all the tears. No matter what happens, I know what I know. And God knows what I know.

As for right now, I am embracing the moment and seizing the day. What is life if it is not lived? What is love if it is not felt? So all you have to do when you hit a brick wall, is pray and brave yourself to take a moment and close your eyes. Take it all in and realize that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. The question on whether you should stop loving or not is really something that only braving through will tell you. You may find yourself fearing the answer, but that's life folks. Just like a bed of roses. With thorns and petals and such. There is no such thing as having it easy. Every situation is different and difficult in its own right. It's how you approach it that makes all the difference in the world.

Live like you'll die tomorrow, dance like no one is watching....and love like the world is yours.
Only then will you be able to see the silver lining. The joy that seeps through like a ray of sunshine after a stormy afternoon. Take a moment and smell the rain. Sit quietly for a second and you may just hear a fairy singing. And then you'll be able to smile again.

of twists and turns...

Ever wondered about life and the funny turns it seems to take, especially when you least expect it? For some people, they seem to embrace the turns and keep moving forward, yet for those like me, we follow the turn but somehow we remember the past. We embrace it, cherish it and acknowledge the fact that it made us who we are. I used to think moving on was something I would never be able to do. But when I look at my life now, I realized that in some ways I have moved on. Otherwise I wouldn't even be here today. My strength and courage prodded me to keep my chin up and walk through each day no matter how painful it may get. And here I am, about a year and a half later, still breathing, still living, still remembering. I realized that from that moment my life took a drastic turn a year and a half ago, I have been moving on. Just not in the sense of forgetting.

My life has taken a few different turns lately. Turns I would never have thought possible for me. And yet each day keeps turning into nights, and each night keeps changing into a brand new day. With more things to laugh about, more things to smile about. I guess what matters right now is to take things as it is.

I have been admitting a lot of new acquaintances into my life lately, including reforging old ones. And they have given me some semblance of hope that I am indeed capable of looking at the silver lining again. No matter how thin it may be, it's still there. Giving me distraction, telling me that life goes on so why fight it? And yes I have embraced that somewhat immensely. I dared to open myself up again and braved myself to follow where the road may lead. There may be brickwalls ahead, there may be obstacles, there may be a million different things I know nothing about, but the journey is proving to be not as bad as I thought it was. There are dozens of friendly faces along the way, dozens of caring hands reaching out to guide me through, dozens of new things lurking behind closed doors. Dare I turn the knob and find out? I've unlocked a few doors and I must say I liked what I saw.

Laughing feels great after such a long time. That's what matters to me right now. It's like weights being lifted right off your shoulder. I never thought it would be possible to laugh that way again. Well perhaps not quite the way I used to before, but it comes pretty close. And as I said, living for what it is right now. Yes mr batman, you make me laugh again and that says a lot!

With the sun slowly rising, signifying the end to another night of laughter, I only have this to say...see you tonight batman!

Of dates and such....

October 2nd has arrived, yet again. A date which will forever be imprinted in my memory for as long as my heart and mind are intact, for as long as I live. Sometimes it feels like the whole thing was a dream; a magical happening that was too good to be true. Sometimes it feels like it happened so long ago. And sometimes it's as though it just happened yesterday. It's weird how time changes so much. Once upon a time, everything was perfect. To put it cornily, it was aglow with the light of a million fairies. But then you realize that you could lose everything and be left wondering where did all the good times go?

The year was 2003, the night was beautiful and the company was perfect. With one question, every single doubt and confusion simply went out the window and a door opened up. A door that led to possibilities in life, a door that was supposed to lead to eternity.

And today for the second time, I face this date on my own. I'm stronger now. Older, and stronger. With new paths to uncover, lined with friendly faces, and caring hands. As I gently thread on by, I look to these faces for assurance that I am really not alone. Old faces and new faces, they have taught me some valuable lessons. That if you fall behind, there will always be someone, if not a few, who will wait for you. All it took was the courage to close my eyes and realize that for all eternity, I will always have hope and the memories. The courage to tap a stranger on the shoulder and say, "It's a lovely day, isn't it?" The answer may surprise the most sceptic of sceptics.

The Poetry Page

I have decided to post my poems on the digital highway. I've written quite a few and I guess I just feel like sharing some of them online.
http://farahharith.blogspot.com