of looking back and letting go....

Have you ever felt so lost you just don't know how to resurface? Amidst the rush and the chaos, surrounded by so many troubling thoughts, you can literally feel yourself spiralling downwards not knowing when the crash will come. I never thought falling in love would be this painful. I've felt pain caused by love before and I survived through it all because the light at the end of the tunnel was so magical I practically had to pinch myself to make sure that I wasn't dreaming. And I thought that the pain was all behind me now. I've seen the worst and I survived. But none of those pain that I felt before can ever amount to the pain I'm going through now. People say that moving on is not that difficult. They say put the past behind you. They ask you to go out and meet new people. They tell you that you should move on for your own good. To those who say that, I have only one thing to say to them; you have never found true love. Only those who have never felt what it's like to love and be loved in return can easily ask you to move on. Moving on isn't just about getting up in the morning and going about your daily routine. The fact that I'm still standing, the fact that my life is still going on, the fact that I did not resort to suicide or just go bonkers doesn't mean that my love isn't real. All it means is that I've realized a strength in me I never knew I had. The strength that comes from loving someone so deep that you go about your daily life because that love propels you to. That love lives on in your heart and gives you the courage to wake up every morning and face the world. That love keeps the memories burning and warms you up inside. That love gives you hope. More importantly it gives you the courage to hope that someday it will come back to you. Some people may think I'm pathetic for feeling this way. Some think that when a relationship ends, then what's the point in yearning and hoping. Where's your sense of pride, they say. Get a life. Move on. He doesn't love you anymore. Stop being so pathetic. Etc etc.. But what they fail to see is that love is not about foolish pride, it's not about the fear of appearing like a pathetic idiot. Love is great. When you love someone, you love them with all your heart. And there's a reason why I love with all my heart. I did not condition myself to love him. It's not about finding someone simply for the sake of not ending up alone. It's about finding the right one. It's about realizing that all your life, the journey you made, the path you chose; has led you to that particular moment. The moment that you set eyes upon this complete stranger, and felt a certain connection. You didn't know it at the time, but as you build a friendship, as you get to know each other without expecting anything, as you slowly open yourself up to this person, that is when everything begins to make sense. That is when the pieces of the puzzle begins to fall into place. And then you realize that you're ready to give your heart away, to this person who understands you better than you understand yourself, who loves you unconditionally, who cares for you so much, who looks at you the way no one has before. That is when it hits you that you have fallen in love. And the progression of that relationship from that moment onwards is something that you could have never imagined. Yes you've seen hundreds of romantic movies, read thousands of romantic novels, listened to countless romantic songs, but nothing you read, saw or heard could ever amount to the feelings you felt when you were with him. Soulmates, they say. And a soulmate I found. That's true love. Now tell me how do you move on from all this? Especially when you understand fully that it was you who caused most of the mess that drove him away. How do you move on from that? I was so much in love I did not realize I was hurting him. I did not see that the things I was doing caused him pain. I failed to see that I was slowly beginning to take him for granted. I never meant to do all that. I was so comfortable being with him, so sure of our love that I took him for granted. Despite all the hurt and pain that I caused him, despite the break-up, despite losing a best friend and a lover, despite being away from him, despite everything, my love for him keeps growing stronger with each passing day. I'm not moving on, not because I enjoy the melancholy, not because I don't want to, but because I can't. I can't forget him. Not a day goes by that he isn't in my thoughts. I am not one of those stalker ladies who will terrorize the obejct of their obsession with calls, emails, letters, etc etc. I am not obsessed with him, i love him. I am simply a woman in love. Above all else, more than my own happiness, I want him to be happy. And if he can never truly be happy with me, then I pray to God that he finds someone who can make him happy. More than my own life, I want him to be safe, to get the best of everything, because he deserves only the best that life has to offer. I will always be here, my love and support will always be with him. I pray that someday we will get back together, but if that can never happen, then I pray that happiness will find him. He is truly an angel. A God-sent. My miracle.

of lights in the dark...

the path wobbled before my feet
the lights seem to flash and flicker and flash
then the crash came and i shut my eyes
i smile inside and cherish the lies


the beat resonated throughout my being
it shouted and yelled so very amusing
then came the crash and the lights went dim
i swayed and moved on a whim


flying away on imaginary wings
with leprechauns and elves, wizards and kings
amidst the clouds and dodging thoughts
of pain and heartaches, a life...suffering


eyes are still closed, yet hands are moving
reaching out for a flowing distraction
like water in a river, liquid motions
thoughts are far, far away almost ancient


leaving the space of shared enthusiasm
trying to get home, smiling, laughing
uncertainty taints the road to normalcy
succumbing again... eyes are closing


the path wobbled before my feet
the night is good to me, i kiss the lies
then came the crash and as i shut my eyes
i took a moment and stopped asking the whys

of questions and answers...

In this country, we are all masters of merely touching the surface of issues and assume that we have resolved the underlying matter. We tend to look at the facade of things and if it looks great then we automatically think that everything is indeed okay. As a wise man once said, assumption is truly the mother of all fuck-ups. Malaysia is all about what looks good. The fact that we have magnificent architectures beautifying our cities, great attractions to bring in the tourist, an apparent racial harmony, a supposedly functioning government, etc etc, then that means surely we have a great nation growing here. Yes we are a beautiful country and yes we seem to cohabit peacefully between the races, and yes our government is doing their job in educating our children, providing jobs to its citizens and keeping a stable economy that enables us to compete with developed nations. But have we stopped for a moment, amidst all this chaos of development, to think about what's brewing underneath? Have we bothered to take a minute and look at things the way they really are, and not the way we want to see it? I was never one to question much, but then I was blessed when my path crossed with a certain person who taught me to start looking at things objectively, and above all else, to question, and to seek answers. However unpleasant the answer may be, no matter how disturbing the truth may be. And I thank God that this person opened up my eyes to a new way of looking at the world, of looking at people. Just because we appear to be a peaceful country compared to warring nations like Palestine and Iraq, doesn't mean that everything is a bed of roses here. Just because our country looks more organized than India or Indonesia, doesn't mean that we are doing a good job of addressing the fundamentals and what really matters. I admit that I am thankful I was born in this country and that I am going through a good life here. But isn't that how things are supposed to be for every country? Isn't it the responsibility of every single government on the face of this earth to govern in the best interest of its people? Malaysians are being blind-sided by this simple fact, that they fail to see what's lurking beneath the surface. Yes we have to be thankful that we are not at war, and that our citizens are free to move around, but just because we are seemingly peaceful, doesn't mean that we should close one eye to the gross injustice and blatant ignorance for certain things that are abundant around us. The mentality of merely touching the surface of things and immediately assuming that everything else is as great as how the surface looks should come to a halt. We should educate our children to question things, teach them that there are always, ALWAYS two sides to a coin. Train them to put themselves in the shoes of the other side before judging a situation. Teach them not to discriminate. When we have a Malay woman in a 50-year old Malaysia saying to an Indian lady not to touch her table because "Kamu Hindu", then ladies and gentlemen, we are not okay. Infact we are so far from being okay that we don't even know what okay truly is anymore. I'm not the least bit proud to boast about being a part of a nation that has been independent for 50 years, especially not when these ignoramus' are still walking around, acting as though they are not doing anything wrong. Come on Malaysia, let's give our children something that they can truly be proud of. Buildings rise and buildings fall, governments come and go, but true human decency and courtesy are what makes us human, worthy of living on God's green earth.

of songs that convey a world of meaning...

If you're listening...

I wish that I could tell you
how I really feel
I wish you could believe
my love for you is real
all I know is,
I aint much without you
you really are the better part of me yesss

No matter how it goes (no matter how it goes)
I want you to know
You're my moon river, my dreammaker
my soulmate, you're like gold
Oh beautiful
beautiful
ooh baby...

Wish that I could change
the way things might have been
I wish we could start over and fall in love again
All I know is I wont ever doubt you
I wanna live inside your heart again

No matter how it goes (no matter how it goes)
I want you to know
You're my moon river, my dreammaker
my soulmate, you're like gold
Oh beautiful
beautiful
ooh baby...

Sometimes you chance upon a song, written so beautifully, so magically, that the words seem to speak out what's already written in your heart. On rare occassions, you find a song that appears to have been crafted specifically for you and your soulmate. It's like the songwriter suddenly decided to tap into your heart and soul and make a song out of it. At times like this, when it feels so hard to put your feelings into words, a song like this comes along and says it for you. This one is by Babyface and is called Wish That I Could Tell You. So if you're listening, I really wish I could tell you all this...

All I really want is to live inside your heart again....

of worms and holes...

If you can move forward, then you can also retract your step and move backwards. That is the basis of the whole time travel theory. Working on that premise, all we need is simply a progression from that idea. Time moves forward, however if we can look for a tear in the fabric of time, then the whole concept of time travel would be possible. A hole, a mere abnormality that we can use to manipulate time. Imagine this; time is a blank, white piece of cloth, perfect in its construction and flawless in its flow. However if a tear presents itself or is created, then time can be manipulated to move backwards. The challenge lies in producing or looking for that particular tear. Through the course of history, man have been toying with this idea and experimenting with it, hoping that they will hit the jackpot and find the Einstein-Rosen Bridge.

A tear in the fabric of time, or a wormhole as it is more scientifically known, is an idea, or a shred of hope that time travel is possible. The idea of time travel has been commercialized for a long time. The Dolorean for instance was a time machine that provided the background for Steven Spielberg’s Back to the Future Trilogy. Kate & Leopold was a love story based on time travel. Why are humans so obsessed with time traveling? The answer is rather simple, I presume. Familiar with the saying to err is human, to forgive divine? I first encountered this saying when I was back in my primary school and it has always proven to be one of the truest sayings in the English language.

Man has been known to make mistakes ever since the dawn of time. And with mistakes, comes regret. However not many are able to realize the mistakes that they have done. Some move on obliviously and dwell blissfully in their own filth of ignorance. And then there are those who regret their mistakes and constantly pray for a way to correct them. Some are lucky enough to be given a chance to right their wrongs. Some go on wishing and praying for the day that they will be forgiven and gain the chance to make things right again. Some get their chances, some don’t. It is the fear of the unknown; of whether your chance will come or not, that will slowly eat you up inside. This is when you begin to wish that you could go back in time and do things differently.

So here I am, hoping that somehow I can achieve what Einstein failed, what Rosen could not do, and what Schwarschild was working on; how to combine the wormhole theory with the theory of time dilation and link it with the whole theory of relativity to make the clock reverse itself, so I can go back in time and right all my wrongs. I am harboring a huge load of regret and pain that comes with hurting the people you love. More than wanting to alleviate myself from this suffering, I want to make things right because the people I wronged deserved only the best and what I ended up doing was produce hurt and disappoint them. I loved and I love still. With that in mind, I always pray for a chance to make things right. What’s worse than your own suffering is hurting those you love.