of looking back and letting go....

Have you ever felt so lost you just don't know how to resurface? Amidst the rush and the chaos, surrounded by so many troubling thoughts, you can literally feel yourself spiralling downwards not knowing when the crash will come. I never thought falling in love would be this painful. I've felt pain caused by love before and I survived through it all because the light at the end of the tunnel was so magical I practically had to pinch myself to make sure that I wasn't dreaming. And I thought that the pain was all behind me now. I've seen the worst and I survived. But none of those pain that I felt before can ever amount to the pain I'm going through now. People say that moving on is not that difficult. They say put the past behind you. They ask you to go out and meet new people. They tell you that you should move on for your own good. To those who say that, I have only one thing to say to them; you have never found true love. Only those who have never felt what it's like to love and be loved in return can easily ask you to move on. Moving on isn't just about getting up in the morning and going about your daily routine. The fact that I'm still standing, the fact that my life is still going on, the fact that I did not resort to suicide or just go bonkers doesn't mean that my love isn't real. All it means is that I've realized a strength in me I never knew I had. The strength that comes from loving someone so deep that you go about your daily life because that love propels you to. That love lives on in your heart and gives you the courage to wake up every morning and face the world. That love keeps the memories burning and warms you up inside. That love gives you hope. More importantly it gives you the courage to hope that someday it will come back to you. Some people may think I'm pathetic for feeling this way. Some think that when a relationship ends, then what's the point in yearning and hoping. Where's your sense of pride, they say. Get a life. Move on. He doesn't love you anymore. Stop being so pathetic. Etc etc.. But what they fail to see is that love is not about foolish pride, it's not about the fear of appearing like a pathetic idiot. Love is great. When you love someone, you love them with all your heart. And there's a reason why I love with all my heart. I did not condition myself to love him. It's not about finding someone simply for the sake of not ending up alone. It's about finding the right one. It's about realizing that all your life, the journey you made, the path you chose; has led you to that particular moment. The moment that you set eyes upon this complete stranger, and felt a certain connection. You didn't know it at the time, but as you build a friendship, as you get to know each other without expecting anything, as you slowly open yourself up to this person, that is when everything begins to make sense. That is when the pieces of the puzzle begins to fall into place. And then you realize that you're ready to give your heart away, to this person who understands you better than you understand yourself, who loves you unconditionally, who cares for you so much, who looks at you the way no one has before. That is when it hits you that you have fallen in love. And the progression of that relationship from that moment onwards is something that you could have never imagined. Yes you've seen hundreds of romantic movies, read thousands of romantic novels, listened to countless romantic songs, but nothing you read, saw or heard could ever amount to the feelings you felt when you were with him. Soulmates, they say. And a soulmate I found. That's true love. Now tell me how do you move on from all this? Especially when you understand fully that it was you who caused most of the mess that drove him away. How do you move on from that? I was so much in love I did not realize I was hurting him. I did not see that the things I was doing caused him pain. I failed to see that I was slowly beginning to take him for granted. I never meant to do all that. I was so comfortable being with him, so sure of our love that I took him for granted. Despite all the hurt and pain that I caused him, despite the break-up, despite losing a best friend and a lover, despite being away from him, despite everything, my love for him keeps growing stronger with each passing day. I'm not moving on, not because I enjoy the melancholy, not because I don't want to, but because I can't. I can't forget him. Not a day goes by that he isn't in my thoughts. I am not one of those stalker ladies who will terrorize the obejct of their obsession with calls, emails, letters, etc etc. I am not obsessed with him, i love him. I am simply a woman in love. Above all else, more than my own happiness, I want him to be happy. And if he can never truly be happy with me, then I pray to God that he finds someone who can make him happy. More than my own life, I want him to be safe, to get the best of everything, because he deserves only the best that life has to offer. I will always be here, my love and support will always be with him. I pray that someday we will get back together, but if that can never happen, then I pray that happiness will find him. He is truly an angel. A God-sent. My miracle.