perjalananku....

It has been a while since I last wrote in the Malay language...

Sudah terlalu lama diri ini tidak menulis di dalam bahasa Melayu. Pasti lenggoknya sudah berbeza, rentak alunan bait kata sudah tidak ada irama merdunya. Tapi kalau dibiarkan lama-lama, takut terlupa langsung seni yang suatu masa dulu dimiliki. Entah mengapa kuat sungguh tarikan untuk menulis petang ini. Sedang hujan renyai-renyai di luar, terngiang di ingatan kenangan lama yang berat untuk dilupakan, namun hidup perlu diteruskan. Lama mana harus berpaut pada memori silam? Namun kenangan tetap kekal menjadi kenangan; kerana kenangan itulah yang membentuk diri ini, kenangan itulah yang membawa diri ini mengenal erti cinta dan kasih sayang. Hari ini kenangan baru menggubah cerita. Mencipta irama baru yang beralun tenang. Sungguhpun cerita lama masih mengusik hati, tetapi kesedaran menjelma, sesungguhnya hati yang pernah dilukai tidak akan kekal luka selamanya. Tuhan itu maha berkuasa. Semusim ini diizinkan kasih sayang kembali mengetuk pintu hati. Walau kekeliruan tetap berlegar di ruang fikiran, kesyukuran tetap dipanjatkan kerana mata ini bisa kembali terbuka untuk melihat keriangan, hati ini bisa terbuka untuk menerima kehadiran seorang insan yang bernama lelaki. Tidak diketahui ke mana arah tujuan musim ini, namun kaki ini akan terus melangkah untuk mencari jawapan. Buat waktu ini, di sini hatiku bermukim. Yang selebihnya diserahkan pada Yang Maha Esa. Samada kasih sayang ini akan tetap kekal pada akhir musim, atau berlalu pergi seperti angin beralih arah, masih tidak ada jawapan yang pasti. Apa yang pasti ialah hati ini tidak gentar untuk menghadapi apa saja kemungkinan. Kasih sayang mengajar erti ketabahan, cinta mengajar erti kesabaran, keimanan mengajar erti keredhaan. Mungkin inilah yang selama ini dicari...apakah ia akan kekal abadi? Atau berlalu meninggalkan debu di hati? Hanya Tuhan yang maha mengetahui...

Eid Mubarak....

Aidiladha 2007 has come and gone. For the first time in my entire life, I spent it away from my family. I woke up early Raya morning, all alone in my little apartment, poured myself a glass of coke and planted myself in front of the computer, checking for updates on the internet. After a while, I got ready and left for my grandmother's place. It does sound somewhat lonely, but it was not as bad as it sounds. However, the moment I heard the takbir raya coming on the radio, it did tug at my heart strings. But then all in all, I have to say that I had a rather nice Aidiladha. Visited a couple of houses, and had fun catching up with cousins and people I care about.

Life is going somewhat okay, albeit with some bumps and potholes along the way. Mais c'est la vie, oui? I've proven to be a strong one so far, so basically I'm powering through and hoping that the light at the end of the tunnel is not a mere myth. Looking back on my childhood years, everything was like a bed of roses and it seemed like it was always going to stay that way. But then life happened and you suddenly wake up to find that you're 26 going on 27 and you have no idea where your life is headed. However you learn to be grateful to God for the little things and pray that things will eventually work out for the best. Everything else that comes along the way are tests and you simply have to suck it in, put on a smile and look for the silver lining. If life has indeed taught me something, it's that things do not come easy. Though it may look that way for some people, it truly isn't. Everyone goes through their own shit and they have their own way of dealing with it. People change according to things that they have gone through. Their principles change, their ideals take a different turn, their take on things become different too. And as fellow human beings, we should not judge them. I used to believe in love and that my ex-boyfriend and I would stay together forever, but then things happened and I crashed and burnt. Now I have learnt that love is not a bed of roses. Yes I still love him, but I no longer believe that we were meant to be together. Being in love and staying together are two very different things; well for me at least. A life partner is not just someone you love passionately. Now I understand when people say that love itself is not enough. But then again, who am I to dish out relationship thoughts and philosophies. My own love life is in such a turmoil, sometimes I feel like I'm inches away from losing it. And then I look up and realize that He is great. I look around me and find comfort in what I have. The hand that reaches out for mine at times, the eyes that look at me and makes me feel safe and comforted despite everything else, the voice that speaks to me and laughs at my jokes, the reassuring energy that he exudes, the fact that despite the weirdness of it all, here we are together and whatever the future may hold, we will take it with a smile on our faces. Whether we end up together or not, that is besides the point. What matters is that we found each other at a time when both our lives are floating about in a sea of chaos and confusion. He is my silver lining and I do not want to question anything beyond that. We may make plans, but at the end of the day it is up to the Almighty to determine what path our life shall undertake.

La vida y el amor trabaja de su propia pequeña manera divertida.

of bats and men...

Sometimes in life you chance upon an unexpected encounter that leads to a bond that makes you realize that true friends aren't really that difficult to find. Regardless of the circumstance or initial nature of the bond, somewhere along the way, you fall into a friendship that reaffirms your faith in humanity. It makes you believe that there are kindness and goodwill in the world, if only you know where to look, and if only you just be yourself and open yourself up to new people. Friendships can emerge from strange situations, where two highly unlikely individual manage to find a common ground somehow and allow each other to explore the realms of possibilities. In just a short amount of time, you develop a sense of concern and care for the other individual and you realize that the other person cares for you too. Some people say that it is impossible for a man and woman to share a platonic friendship, but I believe that that isn't true. Most of my friends are of the male gender and I find them easier to talk to compared to women. With the exception of the few female friends that I have and treasure with all my heart! The men in my life truly are wonderful friends. Like this particular individual I'm talking about right now. What made me realize recently that I have truly been blessed to have met him is the way he is ever-willing to come to my aid even when I did not ask for his help. I feel really grateful that he went out of his way to repair my ailing laptop and managed to restore it back to near perfection. He is always there to lend an ear whenever I need someone to listen, he's always making me laugh whenever I'm down, he's ever ready with a word of advice whenever i need it. And this is someone I've only known for hardly three months! There may be ups and downs in my life, but one thing is for sure, I have been blessed with the company of great friends. For that I will always be grateful to Allah for bringing these wonderful individuals into my life. I pray that I will never take them for granted, and that I am and will always be a great companion in return. To batman, thanks for all that you've done for me. No amount of sugar-free chocolate cakes in the world can ever make up for the kindness that you have shown me!