of misguided translations....

I was watching a Malay movie recently and one of the scenes were shot in an office area labeled as BAHAGIAN "EXTRUSION". With all the fuss being made over us not using enough Malay or not lifting Malay language up to its proper stature, you would think that those folks up in DBP would at least spend some time creating a Malay word for "extrusion"! I mean I'm sure they're pretty much resting on their laurels as it is, so why not get to work? Or just label the area as DEPARTMENT OF EXTRUSION or something, instead of wasting time on open inverted commas. I'm guessing that KAPI is not yet in the Malay lexicon, so why not make KAPI to mean extrusion? That way everybody's happy. Dontcha think?!                                         

of change....or not?

History in the making? Or a sign that things are about to get worse? Whatever I am about to write does not in any way have anything to do with colour or the lack of it. I am not a racist which means I do not have to support Obama just because he is black, or that I support Mccain because he is white. Let’s just keep it for the record, that I support neither candidates. Whatever it is, judging by the results, I can safely say that Martin Luther King is probably smiling in his grave. His dream many years ago is bearing fruit. I’m pretty sure at that time, even he could not have dreamt so far as to see the United States electing a black man as the head of its nation. But he dared to dream nonetheless, that people will be more color blind. And his dream has come true. However, I am just looking at the two candidates from the point of view that goes beyond the colors of their skin. I am of course not thrilled over McCain, but I am not so thrilled over Obama either. I was a supporter of Hilary at one point, but after a while, even I realized that she was just not ready to become the President of the US of A. So that went out the window. I tried to support Obama, but somehow I don’t quite see it yet. Maybe he will prove his worth once he gets sworn in and delivers the change that he has promised. McCain is too old and his views are somewhat old-fashioned which means what he would probably do if he gets to sit in Bush’s chair is simply continue Bush’s outdated policy and do more damage. Obama on the other hand is focusing more on change. Ideally that is a good thing. But can he deliver? Take Malaysia for instance. During our last election, we were so hungry for change that we gave several states to the opposition. Look what that has gotten us? I am not saying that our political scene is akin to the one currently going on in the States. Obama is of course a far cry from our deranged Anwar Ibrahim. But my only concern is that he is probably promising more than he can deliver. At the end of the day, we have to look at who are behind the presidential candidates. Campaigning does not come cheap. Every candidate needs financial support unless of course he is the King of Brunei or Bill Gates himself. When organizations pledge funds to support their preferred candidate, they would of course hope to gain something when the candidate wins. So whatever policy Obama is hoping to enforce, those who have backed him in his campaigns will forever be weighing heavily on his mind. It doesn’t matter that he has the heart of Mother Theresa or the passion of Martin Luther King. Of course this historic win does look like change is on the way, I just hope that it wasn’t merely a lesser of two evils. Obama has to realize that the millions who voted for him in the United States, and the countless others who are supporting him from everywhere across the globe, are hoping for a positive change. May the United States return to being the land of the free and the home of the brave. And may the hope of this former President once again find the country on the right path to it being fulfilled… “I hope ever to see America among the foremost nation in examples of justice and liberality.” – George Washington.

of malaysian literature....

Have we arrived? That is the question literary figures in Malaysia can answer somewhat positively today. Though we haven’t quite arrived yet, I can say that we are definitely getting there. Compared to some fifty years ago, Malaysian literature did not quite receive the acclamation it is getting today. Not to say that we had an insufficient amount of writers back then. It is just that they weren’t really that popular. Popular here meaning that they are read by a healthy amount of Malaysians. Mention Saleh ben Joned today and even school kids will be able to identify the recluse as a nationwide known writer. I believe we have the freedom of speech to thank for this. The influence of the freedom of speech that the US of A practices is now rampant in our society, though we are a lot more cautious than American writers. But as I have said earlier, we are getting there. Our writings are becoming more and more vocal today and that works well with the crowd. Why?

Number one……We love controversial pieces. Who wants to read boring literature when Shahnon Ahmad’s SHIT will prove to be a more enjoyable read? As a literature student, I am not inclined to agree, even for a second that SHIT qualifies as a piece of literary work. Even taking into account that Shahnon Ahmad was once Malaysia’s Poet Laureate. We know that people like controversy, and that’s what some writers today are banking in on. Why write about sober stuff when you get more attention by dissing other people through your writing? I am not saying that controversy is necessarily all the time bad. I am merely stating that the freedom that writer’s are granted with should not be abused and used to justify nonsense as literature. Controversial writings aren’t limited to merely taking out grievances on other people. For example, Saleh ben Joned’s Malchin Testament. It deals with how Malaysians are so misguided when it comes to the English Language. It is almost to the extent of the blind leading the blind. Our pronunciation and grammatical structure are so bad sometimes that it makes a person wonder, whatever happened to that 10 years spent in school learning English? And yet, we carry our bad English ever so proudly. In the Malchin Testament, Saleh addressed all these issues and he does it in a comical, ironic way. It can be said that his approach is somewhat controversial, but it is the truth and he isn’t attacking any one person in general.

Sadly, Malaysians copy way too much. We like the freedom of speech practiced by the Americans, and we copy it wholeheartedly. But in the event of doing that, the literary work we produce becomes nothing more than sampah.

Putting controversy aside, there are many positive reasons to why I think Malaysian and Singaporean writers are progressing more and more today. One reason being, increased readership. The level of education today is vastly different from that of thirty years ago. More and more people are getting highly educated and in that process, they read more.

The increasing demand for local literature, is I believe, due to the fact that, we are more culturally aware today. Maybe it is because there is an increase of awareness for us to know more about our own culture, or perhaps it could even be a trend. When once it was cool to have a copy of Rudyard Kipling, perhaps today, in Malaysia, you may appear to be more hip and sophisticated if you’re seen reading a Rani Manicka. The act of looking east may be a trend, but it is doing wonders for our local writers.

School children today are getting a lot more materials from local literature because the government has decided to incorporate literature into the syllabus. This is a good thing because young minds are fresh. They have this inane thirst for knowledge and by restricting the syllabus, we are merely doing them more harm than good. Local literature has a lot to offer. They need to be aware that Emily Dickinson, Charles Dickens, and the likes of them are not the only literary figures worth knowing and worth reading. Yes, they are great writers, but once in a while, what’s the harm in looking at our own backyard. They need to know that they can make is as writers too if they want to. When we inculcate this sort of thinking into the minds of our young ones, then they themselves will find it in them to look for local literature and enjoy reading them.

In a nutshell, we are indeed heading for something better. The local literature scene is blossoming thanks to the brilliant minds of Karim Raslan, Huzir Sulaiman, Jit Murad and so on. They are wonderfully open-minded people whose writings appeal to all ages. We mustn’t also forget the young upstarts who are colouring up the local literature scene with their talent and fresh views. As it goes, there are always two sides to a coin. Be it we’re progressing because of controversy or be it because of an increased sense of awareness, we are definitely getting there.

of black and white, and yellow and blue...

Racism is a disease that eats away the foundation of humanity and slowly kills a society from within. Ever since Medgar Evers and Emmett Till to Martin Luther King, way back to the birth of Uncle Tom’s Cabin, racism has been an issue that has received worldwide attention. Despite having gone through an immense change in technology and progressive development of a country as a whole, racism still raises its ugly head in the hearts of some people today. Perhaps it is more subtle than the days of the Klan, but racism is racism no matter how subtle or obscure it is. Take our country for instance, development-wise we have come a long way since May 13th, and yet we are not allowed to speak of it so much, it is not widely analyzed or written in any text books, pages of the newspaper during that time are missing from the national archives. The main reason cited is that we do not want to create unnecessary unrest among the rakyat. What is that supposed to mean? To me that just translates to fear. Fear of not being able to control a progressive, intellectual society. This fear is simply borne out of a constant need to exert power over the people. It’s about time that the people in this country come to terms that we are a multi-racial society. Regardless of who came here first or who came here last. Regardless of what our forefathers did or what they were brought here to do. The simple fact of the matter that carries weight today is that we are a multi-racial society and have been one for a long time now. Initially, the Brits were reluctant to grant us independence for fear that all the races in this country will not be able to work together harmoniously. But the fight for independence managed to prove the British wrong and here we are 51 years later, Merdeka. However, one question still begs to be answered. How Merdeka are we? Before some of you start to get overly defensive over this issue, just take a step back and ask yourselves. Are our minds Merdeka of any thoughts of superiority over other races? Are we truly in acceptance of all the races in this country and are we truly able to accept equality if equality is granted upon all of us? Most of us may say that we are, but only out of fear for getting branded as a racist. But some of us are still adamant that one particular race should forever remain superior over the others. I was born in 1981. I was born into a free and thriving Malaysia. I grew up in a multi-racial society. And I will forever be of the opinion that Malaysia belongs to all of us. As long as we were born and raised in this country, as long as we are allowed to vote, as long as we are allowed to raise our families in this country, as long as we are able to work and earn a decent living in this country and as long as we wish to remain in this country, then we all belong here and should enjoy the same benefits and privileges. Why must one race reign superior over the rest? If we really wish to get into that, I believe the rightful owners of Malaysia, so to speak, would be the orang aslis. Can’t we just put race behind us and learn to coexist peacefully and harmoniously? Why can’t we look beyond colour and countries of origin? If not for people like Martin Luther King Jr, the African-Americans in America would probably still be treated like second-class citizens in a country they have come to embrace as their own. If not for those who went to London to seek for our Independence from the British, we would probably still be colonized. But we are where we are today. And what we should do now is learn to accept that we were all put on this earth not to discriminate. I am not in any way discounting heritage and legacy. We should all be proud of who we are and where we came from, but what we should also do is learn to be more tolerant and eradicate superiority totally. Only then will we be able to realize our true potential and do more good instead of harm. I am pretty sure that many will not agree with me on my ideas, but then again I live by these words that was said by a very important man in the history of humanity, “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” With that, I beg of you readers to think and speak out if you feel that injustice is at large. Silence will only propagate more harm.

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” – Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr..

of anniversaries again...

It’s been a year. How fast time flies… twelve months already. I can still remember the very day I walked up a flight of stairs and a certain stranger opened the door and invited me to come into the studio, and little did we both know at the time, into his life and heart. I never even thought that we would actually start to date much less last for a year. But here we are, despite the fights, still going on strong. This relationship is proving to be the toughest one I’ve had so far. But as my batman pointed out ever so sharply but filled with utmost honesty dipped in concern, nothing worthwhile is ever easy. At this point in time, we both still have no idea where this relationship is going. We’re just taking one day at a time, keeping our fingers crossed, and hoping for the best. But if it doesn’t work out, I will always treasure his presence in my life.

I realized I haven’t written in a while. I’ve just been suffering from a bad case of writer’s block. What it’s like can be likened to a cloud of annoyance hanging over my head. Sometimes I wonder whether I should continue down this road of writing as my main focus in life. But after much contemplating and toying with the idea of doing law or psychology or taking some other path, I realize that I was born to write. I may not be that good at it, but it’s the one thing that allows me to be me and as clichéd as this sounds, it makes me happy. Writing allows me to express myself and as most of my friends will attest to, I am one expressive woman. Every human being placed on this earth by God Almighty is filled with thoughts and ideas. It is up to the individual to find ways to express themselves. For me, I find comfort in ink and paper, or rather my keyboard. I honestly don’t know what I’d do if I woke up one morning and discover that language is a lost concept to me and I can’t put together a sentence anymore. Probably go nuts.

So in the spirit of sanity and all things happy and eccentric and weird, selamat hari ulang tahun yang pertama abang….salam kasih from your princess…. I love you with all my heart...

pantun kasih.......

Ku lilit sutera di pinggir rindu,
Ku ikat kasih berbenang sayang,
Ku serah hati bersulam sayu,
Ku beri cinta di celah bayang.

Meraut buluh di tepi kali,
Anak dara bersimpuh manja,
Hati menangis di kala senja,
Menanti kasih tak kunjung jelma.

Singgah perantau di kota lama,
Membawa harapan mencari makna,
Cahaya cinta terang menyala,
Disuluh oleh pujangga kelana.

Beralas belacu menyembah belaian,
Melingkar intan dirantai berlian,
Kasih diberi tiada bersempadan,
Walau terangnya tiada harapan.

Di dalam sangkar disimpannya burung,
Burung dibela tidak disuruh,
Walau kasih dicurah segunung,
Sudah terang lagikan bersuluh.

Menjahit sutera bertemankan pelita,
Di atas buai bersahabat sepi,
Kasih berpaut di dahan hampa,
Madu ditelan menangis sendiri.

Hujan menitis mendung cuaca,
Puncak gunung dilitupi awan,
Pujangga bersyair membawa cerita,
Nak dara terpikat hati tertawan.

Mawar disiram diusik jangan,
Tumbuh mewangi serata jambangan,
Bunga di seberang diidam-idamkan,
Pohon ditangan dibiar kekeringan.

Cahaya menyinar terang sekali,
Datangnya dari bukit yang tinggi,
Biarpun cinta belum termeteri,
Selagi terdaya tetap dinanti.

Sungai mengalir di tanjung harapan,
Datuk Panglima memahat sampan,
Sayang pelita ditinggal-tinggalkan,
Menanti diriba jatuhnya bulan.

Luka semalam belum berbalut,
Masih terkejut langsung terduduk,
Kasih mengadap tiada berjemput,
Takdir memberi izinnya masuk.

Terangnya bulan menyuluh angkasa,
Bintang di langit menyusun bicara,
Sudah begitu lumrahnya bercinta,
Adanya duka sebelum bahagia.

pantun disusun, diolah, dikarang oleh: farah harith

forever's too big a word....

I feel like writing but honestly I am fresh out of ideas. My head is filled with script translations, which means for the next few months my thoughts will be thought in standard Malay language! Basically, at the point of writing this, or rather typing it, I am at the batcave. I officially began my translation duties here a couple of days ago and I must say that it's becoming a much needed distraction. I love it here. The environment is such that it makes one feel extremely comfortable. No doubt I've got a lot on my plate right now, but this job is doing me good. For the time that I spend here, my problems take a backseat for a while.

Let me see, what can I ramble about today? The election is near, so that could be a topic, but I don't think I'm gonna get into that because it will only end up making me all stressed out. I checked my voting status online earlier and turns out that I am a registered voter. But of course, there is no way in hell that I'm going to vote. The whole thing is just insanely ridiculous that it makes you sick to the stomach just looking at all the banners and flags being put up everywhere. Imagine this for a second, if you take all the money they utilized to put up those flags, and use it to feed the poor instead, how many mouths do you think we could feed? Heck of a lot, that's for sure. But noooooooooo, the flags are more important somehow. These idiotic politicians brag about bringing down prices, eliminating social injustice, bla bla bla, but do they even sit and think for a second about the good that they can actually do if only they put their minds and money where their mouth is. Do away with the stupid flags. If you do good, people will recognize it and vote for you because essentially at the end of the day, all we want is goodness. Unless and until I can see a distinct change in the way this country is being managed, only then will I exercise my rights as a citizen and vote. Otherwise, I'll just while my time away in this stupid country and move out when I have enough money. Enough with the stupidity, there's only so much a person can take. I know politics are the same everywhere you go, it's just like a delicate little flower, it always requires dirt to bloom. But it won't be so bad when you're in a different country because you know you don't belong there. It's depressing when you are told that you belong to this country, but you see so much injustice and blatant misuse of power going around at every corner. I may sound as though I don't know what I'm talking about, but when it comes to politics and managing a country, and social responsibility, I am a confirmed, card-carrying idealist. Is there hope yet for mankind? I would like to think so, otherwise where is the sense in living?

I really wanted to avoid writing about politics but I guess I can't help it what with the upcoming election being shoved down your throat everywhere you turn. Anyway, moving away to other matters, the sixth season of Akademi Fantasia will be airing soon. You would think that after 5 idiotic winners, they would have the decency to stop by now, but nooooooooooo, of course not, because they make shitloads of money off of us who vote for these people as though prepaid credit grew on trees. Again I am not going to get into this topic because as it is I can already feel my blood pressure rising. Let's talk about silver linings instead, because I believe silver linings are what keeps us from driving off a cliff, or jumping off a bridge or running over pedestrians like they were bowling pins.

I've always believed in keeping hope alive. No matter how stressed out I am, I have always kept a small place in my heart where hope still blooms. Because if you lose hope entirely, you may as well go walk in front of a moving train. Hope is important to keep your spirits up and to keep your faith alive. As much resentment as I have for the current state of the world, I still have a sliver of hope for humanity. That's what keeps you on your feet, what gets you out of bed every morning, what lulls you to bed at night. There's a silver lining up ahead if only you look hard enough. A warm hand that is gently placed on your arm to assure you that no matter how shitty things may be at the moment, it will somehow work out in the end. A caring smile from a friend who has your best interest at heart. A serving of ice-cream on a hot night. Late night conversations with a loved one. These are all the small things that does make a great difference in your life, especially when everything else doesn't seem to be working your way.

And I thank God for the silver linings in my life right now. Forever's too big a word anyway, with my current state of being, I am content with living for the moment and taking things as they come. Indeed, forever's too big a word....

and the Oscar goes to.......

I was watching the Oscars at batman’s lair this morning and as always I got caught up in the magic that is ‘bikin filem’. I am reminded of my lifelong dream of walking down the aisle, passing Harrison Ford and Steven Spielberg on my right and Jodie Foster and Susan Sarandon on my left, the skirt of my black evening dress swishing as I make my way to the stage. The crowd cheering madly even though this was their first time hearing my name over the PA system with the orchestra playing that sweet song of victory as I make my way up the steps and straight into the arms of Pierce Brosnan who is presenting the award. The Oscar girl hands me the actor, and as Marlon Brando pointed out about a million years ago, it is heavier than it looks. As I cradle the naked golden actor in my hands, I gently look up to receive a peck on the cheek from Mr Brosnan and with stars still in my eyes and my head up in the clouds, I turn to face the audience, the camera and the rest of the world. “I would like to thank God for charting this path as my destiny and for putting me in this spot tonight. I would like to thank my family for putting up with my far-fetched dream. Thank you also to those who never faltered in their belief that I will make it here one day; Fareez, Adnin, Nawar. Without their love and support, this would not have been possible. And a big thank you to my husband and children for always having faith in me and for spurring me ahead on all those times that I was ready to throw in the towel and just get a job at Mcdonalds. Thank you to everyone involved in the making of this movie, without your hardwork this night would have remained a mere distant illusion. And of course thank you to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences for this nomination and win. Once upon a time I made a decision to get into the movie line and I dared to dream big. This, ladies and gentlemen is the payoff. Indeed there is no business like show business. I am here now and mark my words, I am here to stay. This is only the beginning.” As the orchestra drowned out the claps and cheers, and as the microphone was silenced, I graciously accepted Pierce’s arm, and walked off the stage with Mr Remington Steele, my head still very much up in the clouds.

A long, long time ago I somehow knew that my life would head in the general direction of the entertainment line. Having grown up watching lots of movies, it was only natural that I would eventually make a career in it. Magic is made at the movies and I have always wanted to play an active role in creating that magic. Walt built Disneyland because he wanted a happy place where people could go to and just be happy. The Wright Brothers wanted to fly. Edison wanted to see in the dark and Washington wanted a free America. Throughout the years, the world has seen a lot of dreamers. Like the song, they all laughed at Christopher Columbus when he said the world was round and they all laughed when Edison recorded sound. Somehow amidst the noise of mockery and disbelief, you will yourself to close your eyes and deafen your ears as you drown out the sound of their laughter and listen instead to the sound of your heart beating the drums of your dream into reality.

Of course I am nowhere near the Kodak Theatre just yet, but I intend to get there. How I do it, I haven’t the faintest idea, but I’ve got my dreams in my hand and a wishing star in my pocket. And as God is my witness, I will keep at it if it’s the last thing I do.

of society and mental slavery....

Where does society get off judging its members? Who pioneered these unwritten laws and embedded it deep within the hearts of any one society? Why is it when a young woman walks into a restaurant holding hands with an older looking gentleman, they are both stared at as though they just committed a cardinal sin? Why must society assume that the man is obviously married with ten children waiting for him at home, and here he is frolicking with someone so much younger than him? Why must people assume the worst? Have we lost complete faith in humanity that we must always assume the worst first?

So many questions and yet we have no answers. Little does society realize it, but they play a pivotal role in shaping the community. When such a huge role is being entrusted onto society, we must realize that it is our responsibility to make the world a better place and not put out so much hate and criticism in the world. What appears to be traditional and conventional is not always the best thing. How many marriages falter even when the husband and wife are of the same age, have good careers, a healthy bank account, a big home in a great neighborhood, imported cars and seemingly happy children? These are all superficial. It's all on the surface. If they have all that and they are truly happy, good for them. But that is not the measure to judge all happy marriages. Society needs to be taught that they should not dwell so much about what's on the surface. Age, physical appearance, wealth...these are not what makes a happy marriage. A book should never be judged by its cover. If it is then we would have lost thousands of great masterpieces through the passage of time.

Let's give humanity a chance to flourish. Let's give hope a chance to blossom. We have become so quick to judge and dismiss things that we do not realize that perhaps the things that we so cavalierly dismiss are actually what's true and pure and good. Greatness comes in different shapes and sizes. All it takes is for us to get off our high horses and realize that God made us equal. Perhaps if society decides to become more accepting and less judgmental, perhaps then we will actually see more good in the community.

Love is all around, it is everywhere and it does not discriminate. Let's salvage whatever's left of it before it dies in our hands. We are the legacy of our forefathers, of our ancestors who so spiritedly fought for their freedom and for ours. Let us not become slaves of our mindset and mentality. We owe it to our children to make the world a better place. A place of love and hope.

perjalananku....

It has been a while since I last wrote in the Malay language...

Sudah terlalu lama diri ini tidak menulis di dalam bahasa Melayu. Pasti lenggoknya sudah berbeza, rentak alunan bait kata sudah tidak ada irama merdunya. Tapi kalau dibiarkan lama-lama, takut terlupa langsung seni yang suatu masa dulu dimiliki. Entah mengapa kuat sungguh tarikan untuk menulis petang ini. Sedang hujan renyai-renyai di luar, terngiang di ingatan kenangan lama yang berat untuk dilupakan, namun hidup perlu diteruskan. Lama mana harus berpaut pada memori silam? Namun kenangan tetap kekal menjadi kenangan; kerana kenangan itulah yang membentuk diri ini, kenangan itulah yang membawa diri ini mengenal erti cinta dan kasih sayang. Hari ini kenangan baru menggubah cerita. Mencipta irama baru yang beralun tenang. Sungguhpun cerita lama masih mengusik hati, tetapi kesedaran menjelma, sesungguhnya hati yang pernah dilukai tidak akan kekal luka selamanya. Tuhan itu maha berkuasa. Semusim ini diizinkan kasih sayang kembali mengetuk pintu hati. Walau kekeliruan tetap berlegar di ruang fikiran, kesyukuran tetap dipanjatkan kerana mata ini bisa kembali terbuka untuk melihat keriangan, hati ini bisa terbuka untuk menerima kehadiran seorang insan yang bernama lelaki. Tidak diketahui ke mana arah tujuan musim ini, namun kaki ini akan terus melangkah untuk mencari jawapan. Buat waktu ini, di sini hatiku bermukim. Yang selebihnya diserahkan pada Yang Maha Esa. Samada kasih sayang ini akan tetap kekal pada akhir musim, atau berlalu pergi seperti angin beralih arah, masih tidak ada jawapan yang pasti. Apa yang pasti ialah hati ini tidak gentar untuk menghadapi apa saja kemungkinan. Kasih sayang mengajar erti ketabahan, cinta mengajar erti kesabaran, keimanan mengajar erti keredhaan. Mungkin inilah yang selama ini dicari...apakah ia akan kekal abadi? Atau berlalu meninggalkan debu di hati? Hanya Tuhan yang maha mengetahui...

Eid Mubarak....

Aidiladha 2007 has come and gone. For the first time in my entire life, I spent it away from my family. I woke up early Raya morning, all alone in my little apartment, poured myself a glass of coke and planted myself in front of the computer, checking for updates on the internet. After a while, I got ready and left for my grandmother's place. It does sound somewhat lonely, but it was not as bad as it sounds. However, the moment I heard the takbir raya coming on the radio, it did tug at my heart strings. But then all in all, I have to say that I had a rather nice Aidiladha. Visited a couple of houses, and had fun catching up with cousins and people I care about.

Life is going somewhat okay, albeit with some bumps and potholes along the way. Mais c'est la vie, oui? I've proven to be a strong one so far, so basically I'm powering through and hoping that the light at the end of the tunnel is not a mere myth. Looking back on my childhood years, everything was like a bed of roses and it seemed like it was always going to stay that way. But then life happened and you suddenly wake up to find that you're 26 going on 27 and you have no idea where your life is headed. However you learn to be grateful to God for the little things and pray that things will eventually work out for the best. Everything else that comes along the way are tests and you simply have to suck it in, put on a smile and look for the silver lining. If life has indeed taught me something, it's that things do not come easy. Though it may look that way for some people, it truly isn't. Everyone goes through their own shit and they have their own way of dealing with it. People change according to things that they have gone through. Their principles change, their ideals take a different turn, their take on things become different too. And as fellow human beings, we should not judge them. I used to believe in love and that my ex-boyfriend and I would stay together forever, but then things happened and I crashed and burnt. Now I have learnt that love is not a bed of roses. Yes I still love him, but I no longer believe that we were meant to be together. Being in love and staying together are two very different things; well for me at least. A life partner is not just someone you love passionately. Now I understand when people say that love itself is not enough. But then again, who am I to dish out relationship thoughts and philosophies. My own love life is in such a turmoil, sometimes I feel like I'm inches away from losing it. And then I look up and realize that He is great. I look around me and find comfort in what I have. The hand that reaches out for mine at times, the eyes that look at me and makes me feel safe and comforted despite everything else, the voice that speaks to me and laughs at my jokes, the reassuring energy that he exudes, the fact that despite the weirdness of it all, here we are together and whatever the future may hold, we will take it with a smile on our faces. Whether we end up together or not, that is besides the point. What matters is that we found each other at a time when both our lives are floating about in a sea of chaos and confusion. He is my silver lining and I do not want to question anything beyond that. We may make plans, but at the end of the day it is up to the Almighty to determine what path our life shall undertake.

La vida y el amor trabaja de su propia pequeña manera divertida.

of bats and men...

Sometimes in life you chance upon an unexpected encounter that leads to a bond that makes you realize that true friends aren't really that difficult to find. Regardless of the circumstance or initial nature of the bond, somewhere along the way, you fall into a friendship that reaffirms your faith in humanity. It makes you believe that there are kindness and goodwill in the world, if only you know where to look, and if only you just be yourself and open yourself up to new people. Friendships can emerge from strange situations, where two highly unlikely individual manage to find a common ground somehow and allow each other to explore the realms of possibilities. In just a short amount of time, you develop a sense of concern and care for the other individual and you realize that the other person cares for you too. Some people say that it is impossible for a man and woman to share a platonic friendship, but I believe that that isn't true. Most of my friends are of the male gender and I find them easier to talk to compared to women. With the exception of the few female friends that I have and treasure with all my heart! The men in my life truly are wonderful friends. Like this particular individual I'm talking about right now. What made me realize recently that I have truly been blessed to have met him is the way he is ever-willing to come to my aid even when I did not ask for his help. I feel really grateful that he went out of his way to repair my ailing laptop and managed to restore it back to near perfection. He is always there to lend an ear whenever I need someone to listen, he's always making me laugh whenever I'm down, he's ever ready with a word of advice whenever i need it. And this is someone I've only known for hardly three months! There may be ups and downs in my life, but one thing is for sure, I have been blessed with the company of great friends. For that I will always be grateful to Allah for bringing these wonderful individuals into my life. I pray that I will never take them for granted, and that I am and will always be a great companion in return. To batman, thanks for all that you've done for me. No amount of sugar-free chocolate cakes in the world can ever make up for the kindness that you have shown me!

tak ada logika...

Sometimes new songs aren't that bad. I've been listening to this song by the beautiful and talented Indonesian talent, Agnes Monica for quite some time now and only recently noticed that it is actually a good song, with a strong and powerful arrangement and a short and simple lyrics that makes a statement.

Bukannya aku tak tahu
Kau sudah ada yang punya
Atau bisikan cinta
Ku tahu engkau berdusta

Namun ku tak mau mengerti
Selama kau masih bersamaku
Karena ku suka, ku butuh
Cinta yang pernah hilang dariku

Cinta ini kadang kadang tak ada logika
Berisi semua hasrat dalam hati
Ku hanya ingin dapat memiliki
Dirimu hanya untuk sesaat

if you're reading this....

if you're reading this,
i probably have moved on,
no it isn't someone new,
or because i've forgotten you,
if you're reading this,
honey i'm long gone....

if you're reading this,
it's because i just had to tell you,
no more need for you to worry,
or fret about me unnecessarily,
i never meant to hurt your feelings,
but no doubt the broken road that led me to you,
was a journey that has yet to reach its end,
you're a stop that gave me meaning,
made me who i am,
a magical encounter,
that i'll cherish forever....

if you're reading this honey,
pray for me in your heart,
keep me there in a little corner,
for if you need me,
i'll always be there for you,
a friend to lend a shoulder,
just someone to wipe away the tears,
and be happy for your laughter....

if you're reading this,
i'm already half way across town,
ready to hit the road again,
baby i'm no longer down,
i'll keep the memories,
and carry your smile in my heart,
for it will always be you who holds my first kiss,
and indeed, you i always miss,
but we can't fight fate,
our destinies lie on different paths,
yes He has shown me the light,
so goodbye dear dark knight,
indeed God is great,
i'm heading out on the broken road,
and baby i'm running late....

1333hrs
26th November, 2007

of being happy again....

At one point in my life, I thought happiness was a thing of the past. I laughed, I smiled, I even lived, but everything seemed to be just on the surface. There was nothing beyond that and the word happy was something that I had totally erased from my vocabulary. But then, someone comes along unexpectedly and things have taken quite a drastic turn since then. At first I was afraid to utilize the word happy to describe my state of being, but I realized that that would have simply been denying the truth. I am happy now. I never thought that was possible again, but I am. However this does not in any way mean that I have forgotten. I will never forget. How can you erase and forget a past that was so wonderful and magical? But what I have come to realize is that life is amazing. Just when you thought that you were headed for doomsville, God opens a new path for you and lights the way to an adventure that is rare and indefinable. I have no idea where this adventure will lead to but I know that I am now ready to find out. Whether or not it leads somewhere is besides the point, what is important is that I am living again and I am opening myself up to life. For quite some time I completely shut myself up to the outside world. As I mentioned earlier, living was merely surviving for me. Breathing was what I did because by the grace of God I am still alive. But I wasn't living. Until that fateful day where I walked up the stairs, turned the door knob and set eyes upon this stranger whom at that point in my life I was not expecting to get to know. I was there to see someone else and he was there because due to circumstances I was not able to be seen in public with this other individual without the presence of a third person. But God works in mysterious ways. Somehow on that day, in the grand scheme of things, motions were set into gear and the road was lit with a divine plan that neither of us had a say in. He thought I was interesting enough to get to know further and as the days progressed I found that I was growing closer and closer to this person. From text messages it moved on to dinners and coffee chats. From there, I can safely say that I felt a sense of closeness with this man that I never thought I would feel again. There's something about him that made me want to keep on seeing him.

Am I happy again? At first I was afraid to answer this question. I felt like I was betraying a certain someone, but then I told myself that I need to let myself live again. Here is a great individual who makes me laugh and smile and yes, he makes me happy. So there, I've said it. I am happy.

Whatever the future has in store for the both of us, only God knows. What I can do is allow myself to go with the flow. I have opened up my heart to be happy again because he truly makes me feel happy. For someone I have only known for a mere 2 months, there's a rarity in the way that I have gotten to be so comfortable with him. And he with me.

I thank God that He made our paths cross on that fateful day in the blessed month of Ramadhan. Whatever will be, will be, right sayang?

of life and all that jazz...

Life is complicated enough as it is without us having to add more complications to it. And yet, we still get tangled up in webs of complications and twists. Are we thrill seekers? Are we daredevils? Or are we just human beings, with a heart that's breakable and feelings that are unexplainable? It isn't like I wake up every morning determined to hunt for trouble and add to the worries in my life. If anything I wouldn't mind if things stayed simple and mundane for a bit. There's no harm in mediocrity. Normalcy. Simplicity. But then again, fate has other plans in store. Little did I know on that fateful Spetember 25th, walking up that stairs meant that I was about to embark on a journey of laughter, complications and confusion. My life changed drastically from that day. Slowly at first, but then when the speed picked up, it has been a roller-coaster ride to date. Sometimes I wonder what does God have in store for me. For a year and a half I hung on to the past, not knowing what to do, fearing where to go and evading the future. But suddenly, this man swooped in and I have no idea what hit me ever since. There's a sense of guilt whenever I am out having fun with him. I feel like I'm betraying Fareez, like I'm cheating on him or something like that. But then again, sometimes it feels like it's the most natural thing to do, he makes it feel so right. How do you figure out matters like this? How do you make sense of what's going on between two people who are so comfortable with each other yet are not emotionally available? How do you comprehend this rare relationship?

Perhaps it is best not to question too much. At times the best thing to do is to just seize the day, live for the moment and go with the flow. Sometimes when you stop asking questions, that is when you will find the answers.

If a picture paints a thousand words, then why can't I paint you?

of familiar places and new faces....

As I brave myself to step into Thurkah after almost 2 years of staying away, I wondered how could things stay so intact in this little restaurant and yet so much has changed in my life. How I wish my life had stayed as intact as this shop. Untouched, all the same, and familiar. But times are different now and though the same aunty may still be at the cashier, the same guy may come to take our order, it is no longer what it was like before. They don't recognize me anymore and the orders are no longer 'biasa'. The sense of familiarity in that little shop was so overwhelming to a point where I almost felt that if I just close my eyes for a second and open it again, the clock would have rewound to two years ago. He would have been ordering our usual thosais, with mutton perithal and koli curry for me. I would be sitting there looking at him, talking animatedly about some insignificant matter. He would be laughing at my stupid jokes and once in a while he would reach out his hand across the table and place it atop mine. Then the orders would come and we would eat and talk and eat and talk and later fight over who gets to pay.

Yet the situation today is somewhat similar, with a world of difference. This time I did the ordering, the man sitting across me getting excited over the Indian sweets being sold there, the food came, we ate and talked and ate and talked and I was all smiling and laughing at his jokes. Occasionally I would reach over and touch his hand and finally we fought over who gets to pay. Of course, I got my way. It used to be that I vowed never again to set foot inside this restaurant unless it is with Fareez. But that fine evening, I looked at my newfound companion as we left my car at the Melawati carwash, and the words just rolled off my tongue, "Would you like to have dinner at Thurkah while we wait for the car?" As I finished saying it, a sense of guilt overcame me, but it was soon replaced with calmness and comfort. As for where the calmness and comfort came from, I decided not to question a gift horse in the mouth. I took it as it is and moved with the flow. This newfound companion made it feel right to live again.

Some people may think that it was just a restaurant and I shouldn't make mountains out of a molehill. But Thurkah isn't just a mere restaurant to me. It was more than that. It was a place that held many memories of morning meals and dinners that symbolized something more than mere food. It was a familiar place that I avoided, fearing that setting foot in there again would simply bring tears to my eyes and unleash memories I have no intentions of awaking. But there I was, that fine Tuesday evening, and I was smiling and laughing. Indeed, it felt right to let myself live again.

Familiar places are like security blankets. They give off warmth and comfort when you stroll down memory lane and breathe in the familiar air. Memories rush back and you let yourself remember. But what happens after that? You sink into a bigger hole of depression and guilt and sadness. Which is why as much as I can, I avoid these familiar places. I hold them dear in my mind and in my heart, but i keep them at a distance, within reach yet not so close. However lately, I have been letting my guard down and allowing my walls of defenses to be slowly broken. I let myself revisit the old and familiar, at the same time wondering how my emotions would take it. At times it still feels like walking on a path of broken glass, but now I've got padded cushions underneath my feet. The memories are still there, they will never go away. The heartache has dulled somewhat but the pain is still apparent. The love is still going strong but I have found strength in allowing myself to live again. In the words of Doris Day, Que Sera Sera...whatever will be, will be. The future's not ours to see, que sera sera.....

Things we lost in the fire have a way of coming back to us sometimes, but in order to let it come back, we need to let somethings go. There's light at the end of the tunnel, we just have to brave ourselves to actually go through the tunnel. If we hover at the entrance, how will we know what awaits us on the other side? Hold on to your dreams and let yourself live again. Go through the tunnel and may you find what you've always been looking for. Hope is everywhere. Just don't forget to remember. The memories, the good times, the bad times, the laughter, the pain, the joy, the love, the passion, the dreams you shared... Familiar places sometimes requires a new face to remind you that you're not forgetting by letting go, you're not betraying anything, you're not doing anything wrong. All you're doing is giving yourself a chance to laugh, to smile, and to live again.

Just don't forget to remember what matters to you, because winter gets cold for those without warm memories....

Having said that, que sera sera....whatever will be, will be....

of wedding bells and brotherly love...

Being the eldest in the family, I do not have the luxury of looking up to a blood related elder sibling. However, life has been kind. I have been blessed with certain individuals walking into my life and taking up the roles of big brothers and sisters. One of them tied the knot a few months ago, and in a few more months, another one will walk down the aisle and exchange vows of matrimony thus leaving singleville. This is a wonderful man. I met him some five years ago while I was interning at a production house. Upon getting to know him, he almost immediately assumed the role of my big brother. Always protective, forever concerned. There's a sense of security when Nawar and I meet up with him, or when he goes out of his way to attend our open houses. The way he cares for our well-being, the way he constantly insists that we let him meet our current other halves so he can 'evaluate' the guys for us. It's truly amazing how someone with no blood ties can behave so much like a brother to us. And now he has decided to settle down and raise a family. I am very happy for my abang. When he broke the news to us and insisted that we attend the wedding not as mere guests, but as usherers, we were both so touched we found it unbelievable. Here is a man of great importance to the Malaysian community and he wants us to usher at his big day!

Abang, I thank God the intern job I took up led me to meet you. And I am truly grateful that you treat us like your sisters. You are a wonderful big brother and I pray that happiness will forever be yours and that your marriage will last for eternity. Nawar and I are counting the days to your wedding for we know how much in love you two are and we want to see you declare it to the world and walk into the ballroom as husband and wife. Be happy, abang, for you truly deserve it.

of finding light in the dark....

How do you make sense of your feelings? When does the line between friendship and what lies beyond that become a blur? Suddenly you find yourself facing a rather confused state of mind. On one hand you are somewhat emotionally unavailable, and on the other you realize that letting go might just be what you need to move on. And on the road to moving on you have complications and twists. Life is indeed full of surprises. When you least expect it, someone comes knocking on your door and you don't feel like shutting him out the way you've done to all those other men before him. Perhaps it was just the music. Or maybe it was the rain? Could it have been the late night drive that made you feel mellow and romantic all of a sudden? Or was it the person himself? Suddenly there was this strong urge to lay your head on his shoulders and forget about all the complications. I think I need to get away for a few days. Just to clear my head and figure out what on earth is happening. It's difficult enough having to deal with my own emotional turmoil but when the other party decides to play chess in the sense that, today he makes one bold step forward and the next day he decides to take ten steps backwards, then it's becoming a bit too taxing on my emotions. I understand the complications, the circumstances, but what I can't understand is why am I feeling this way again? My head is telling me that I don't care but somehow the heart seems to have a mind of its own. You really can't control these things. Once upon a time, I said this to someone: I can tell my head what to think, but I can't tell my heart what to feel. Sometimes I wish I could just shut down my emotional system and function like a robot, because eventhough I'm only 26, I feel like I'm already 50. Emotionally drained and tired. So dear readers, answer me this, what do you do when you find yourself slowly developing an emotional attachment for your 'friend's' best friend?

she's a woman...

she's a woman
strong and confident she stands
against all odds
she does not bend
beautiful and wise she stands

she's a woman
in a world of men
like dust she can disappear
yet she does not bend
walking tall because she can

she's a mother
a wife and a lover
a sister and a daughter
a leader...

there's strength in adversity
when trouble comes
and hardship beckons
she fights with her wit
and battles not with her fists
she cries,
yet her tears do not signify she's weak
she cries for her family,
she weeps for society
and with her tears
determination comes to light the dark
to right the wrongs
to prove her worth

she's a woman
God's gift to men,
her strength gives her will to win,
her passion never wears thin,
her beauty comes from within,
her love is everlasting...

she's a woman,
tall and passionate she stands,
with courage that makes her stronger than men,
like dust she can disappear,
yet for eternity,
she will always be here.