of life and all that jazz...

Life is complicated enough as it is without us having to add more complications to it. And yet, we still get tangled up in webs of complications and twists. Are we thrill seekers? Are we daredevils? Or are we just human beings, with a heart that's breakable and feelings that are unexplainable? It isn't like I wake up every morning determined to hunt for trouble and add to the worries in my life. If anything I wouldn't mind if things stayed simple and mundane for a bit. There's no harm in mediocrity. Normalcy. Simplicity. But then again, fate has other plans in store. Little did I know on that fateful Spetember 25th, walking up that stairs meant that I was about to embark on a journey of laughter, complications and confusion. My life changed drastically from that day. Slowly at first, but then when the speed picked up, it has been a roller-coaster ride to date. Sometimes I wonder what does God have in store for me. For a year and a half I hung on to the past, not knowing what to do, fearing where to go and evading the future. But suddenly, this man swooped in and I have no idea what hit me ever since. There's a sense of guilt whenever I am out having fun with him. I feel like I'm betraying Fareez, like I'm cheating on him or something like that. But then again, sometimes it feels like it's the most natural thing to do, he makes it feel so right. How do you figure out matters like this? How do you make sense of what's going on between two people who are so comfortable with each other yet are not emotionally available? How do you comprehend this rare relationship?

Perhaps it is best not to question too much. At times the best thing to do is to just seize the day, live for the moment and go with the flow. Sometimes when you stop asking questions, that is when you will find the answers.

If a picture paints a thousand words, then why can't I paint you?

of familiar places and new faces....

As I brave myself to step into Thurkah after almost 2 years of staying away, I wondered how could things stay so intact in this little restaurant and yet so much has changed in my life. How I wish my life had stayed as intact as this shop. Untouched, all the same, and familiar. But times are different now and though the same aunty may still be at the cashier, the same guy may come to take our order, it is no longer what it was like before. They don't recognize me anymore and the orders are no longer 'biasa'. The sense of familiarity in that little shop was so overwhelming to a point where I almost felt that if I just close my eyes for a second and open it again, the clock would have rewound to two years ago. He would have been ordering our usual thosais, with mutton perithal and koli curry for me. I would be sitting there looking at him, talking animatedly about some insignificant matter. He would be laughing at my stupid jokes and once in a while he would reach out his hand across the table and place it atop mine. Then the orders would come and we would eat and talk and eat and talk and later fight over who gets to pay.

Yet the situation today is somewhat similar, with a world of difference. This time I did the ordering, the man sitting across me getting excited over the Indian sweets being sold there, the food came, we ate and talked and ate and talked and I was all smiling and laughing at his jokes. Occasionally I would reach over and touch his hand and finally we fought over who gets to pay. Of course, I got my way. It used to be that I vowed never again to set foot inside this restaurant unless it is with Fareez. But that fine evening, I looked at my newfound companion as we left my car at the Melawati carwash, and the words just rolled off my tongue, "Would you like to have dinner at Thurkah while we wait for the car?" As I finished saying it, a sense of guilt overcame me, but it was soon replaced with calmness and comfort. As for where the calmness and comfort came from, I decided not to question a gift horse in the mouth. I took it as it is and moved with the flow. This newfound companion made it feel right to live again.

Some people may think that it was just a restaurant and I shouldn't make mountains out of a molehill. But Thurkah isn't just a mere restaurant to me. It was more than that. It was a place that held many memories of morning meals and dinners that symbolized something more than mere food. It was a familiar place that I avoided, fearing that setting foot in there again would simply bring tears to my eyes and unleash memories I have no intentions of awaking. But there I was, that fine Tuesday evening, and I was smiling and laughing. Indeed, it felt right to let myself live again.

Familiar places are like security blankets. They give off warmth and comfort when you stroll down memory lane and breathe in the familiar air. Memories rush back and you let yourself remember. But what happens after that? You sink into a bigger hole of depression and guilt and sadness. Which is why as much as I can, I avoid these familiar places. I hold them dear in my mind and in my heart, but i keep them at a distance, within reach yet not so close. However lately, I have been letting my guard down and allowing my walls of defenses to be slowly broken. I let myself revisit the old and familiar, at the same time wondering how my emotions would take it. At times it still feels like walking on a path of broken glass, but now I've got padded cushions underneath my feet. The memories are still there, they will never go away. The heartache has dulled somewhat but the pain is still apparent. The love is still going strong but I have found strength in allowing myself to live again. In the words of Doris Day, Que Sera Sera...whatever will be, will be. The future's not ours to see, que sera sera.....

Things we lost in the fire have a way of coming back to us sometimes, but in order to let it come back, we need to let somethings go. There's light at the end of the tunnel, we just have to brave ourselves to actually go through the tunnel. If we hover at the entrance, how will we know what awaits us on the other side? Hold on to your dreams and let yourself live again. Go through the tunnel and may you find what you've always been looking for. Hope is everywhere. Just don't forget to remember. The memories, the good times, the bad times, the laughter, the pain, the joy, the love, the passion, the dreams you shared... Familiar places sometimes requires a new face to remind you that you're not forgetting by letting go, you're not betraying anything, you're not doing anything wrong. All you're doing is giving yourself a chance to laugh, to smile, and to live again.

Just don't forget to remember what matters to you, because winter gets cold for those without warm memories....

Having said that, que sera sera....whatever will be, will be....

of wedding bells and brotherly love...

Being the eldest in the family, I do not have the luxury of looking up to a blood related elder sibling. However, life has been kind. I have been blessed with certain individuals walking into my life and taking up the roles of big brothers and sisters. One of them tied the knot a few months ago, and in a few more months, another one will walk down the aisle and exchange vows of matrimony thus leaving singleville. This is a wonderful man. I met him some five years ago while I was interning at a production house. Upon getting to know him, he almost immediately assumed the role of my big brother. Always protective, forever concerned. There's a sense of security when Nawar and I meet up with him, or when he goes out of his way to attend our open houses. The way he cares for our well-being, the way he constantly insists that we let him meet our current other halves so he can 'evaluate' the guys for us. It's truly amazing how someone with no blood ties can behave so much like a brother to us. And now he has decided to settle down and raise a family. I am very happy for my abang. When he broke the news to us and insisted that we attend the wedding not as mere guests, but as usherers, we were both so touched we found it unbelievable. Here is a man of great importance to the Malaysian community and he wants us to usher at his big day!

Abang, I thank God the intern job I took up led me to meet you. And I am truly grateful that you treat us like your sisters. You are a wonderful big brother and I pray that happiness will forever be yours and that your marriage will last for eternity. Nawar and I are counting the days to your wedding for we know how much in love you two are and we want to see you declare it to the world and walk into the ballroom as husband and wife. Be happy, abang, for you truly deserve it.

of finding light in the dark....

How do you make sense of your feelings? When does the line between friendship and what lies beyond that become a blur? Suddenly you find yourself facing a rather confused state of mind. On one hand you are somewhat emotionally unavailable, and on the other you realize that letting go might just be what you need to move on. And on the road to moving on you have complications and twists. Life is indeed full of surprises. When you least expect it, someone comes knocking on your door and you don't feel like shutting him out the way you've done to all those other men before him. Perhaps it was just the music. Or maybe it was the rain? Could it have been the late night drive that made you feel mellow and romantic all of a sudden? Or was it the person himself? Suddenly there was this strong urge to lay your head on his shoulders and forget about all the complications. I think I need to get away for a few days. Just to clear my head and figure out what on earth is happening. It's difficult enough having to deal with my own emotional turmoil but when the other party decides to play chess in the sense that, today he makes one bold step forward and the next day he decides to take ten steps backwards, then it's becoming a bit too taxing on my emotions. I understand the complications, the circumstances, but what I can't understand is why am I feeling this way again? My head is telling me that I don't care but somehow the heart seems to have a mind of its own. You really can't control these things. Once upon a time, I said this to someone: I can tell my head what to think, but I can't tell my heart what to feel. Sometimes I wish I could just shut down my emotional system and function like a robot, because eventhough I'm only 26, I feel like I'm already 50. Emotionally drained and tired. So dear readers, answer me this, what do you do when you find yourself slowly developing an emotional attachment for your 'friend's' best friend?

she's a woman...

she's a woman
strong and confident she stands
against all odds
she does not bend
beautiful and wise she stands

she's a woman
in a world of men
like dust she can disappear
yet she does not bend
walking tall because she can

she's a mother
a wife and a lover
a sister and a daughter
a leader...

there's strength in adversity
when trouble comes
and hardship beckons
she fights with her wit
and battles not with her fists
she cries,
yet her tears do not signify she's weak
she cries for her family,
she weeps for society
and with her tears
determination comes to light the dark
to right the wrongs
to prove her worth

she's a woman
God's gift to men,
her strength gives her will to win,
her passion never wears thin,
her beauty comes from within,
her love is everlasting...

she's a woman,
tall and passionate she stands,
with courage that makes her stronger than men,
like dust she can disappear,
yet for eternity,
she will always be here.

my words, my memories...

Got some free time on your hands? Do check out my attempt at websiting: http://www.geocities.com/studio69_kl/home.html

the guitarman...

And with his guitar he sweetly sang,
melodies of long ago,
lined with words of hope and sorrow,
of yesterday and perhaps tomorrow.

The gentle touch of rhythm and blues,
Telling stories with nothing to lose,
He played his songs straight from the heart,
Coz' he's seen it all
And survived them standing tall.

The guitarman has a smile on his face,
As he sings and strums the night away,
There's a sadness in his melody
There's hope in his memories.

And with his guitar he sweetly sang,
Holding back tears from his melancholic eyes,
Wondering about all the pain and lies,
That coloured his life and hid the answers to his whys.

of friends and strangers...

It's truly amazing how a stranger can waltz into your life out of nowhere and with it bring a 'light' that is indeed rare and somewhat beautiful. People say that love works in funny ways. As true as that is, the statement also applies to friendships. At the most unexpected turn, you find someone so different from you and yet not quite opposites either, someone under normal circumstances you probably would not have had the good fortune of meeting. And yet as the world turns, as God works His plans, you chance upon a stranger who at times renders you speechless, or makes you smile on your own. Truly, God is great. When you're down and troubled, He sends someone to make you laugh, someone to talk to, someone to listen to. A friend to lighten the troubles and show you that there are still things to smile about. It takes a stranger sometimes to light up your darkest hours. With something as simple as a mere text message, or a phone call, or having coffee somewhere. A rare friend, that's what this stranger is. A regal, refined individual. A gentleman, a kind soul. Someone who seems to have stepped right out of a 1950's film. There's a certain kind of charm in the way he writes, the way he talks, the way he carries himself. I can't quite find the right words to describe him, but all I can say is that this person is a wonderful friend. In the short period of time that I have known him, it is amazing how he has already made me laugh and smile, and cry as I listen to the words of a poem that he had penned down some time ago. Friendships are forged under the craziest circumstances sometimes. And yet they find a way to flourish, with a light that shines bright as day and kindness that envelops like the breeze at night.

what tangled webs we weave...

Life is filled with intricacy. Webs we ourselves weave filled with lies, deception, manipulation, distraction, pain, agony...and the list goes on and on and on. Yet we tell ourselves that all is right with the world. But of course reasons are abundant. That is why it is important not to judge. Different people have different troubles and each individual has their own unique way of overcoming their situations. Perhaps the wise chose to face it head on and take the bull by its horns. But who's to say that would be the best course of action? In any case, we all deal with our troubles in our own ways. Some chose to weave tangled webs in order to get out of the mundane drudgery of their everyday lives. And sometimes these webs lead to other things. Other discoveries. But fact remains that the tangled web is hard to untangle. It gets more twisted as we delve in deeper and as days go by, we go about wondering how the hell did we end up in such a great, big mess? For the most part of last year and this I have been living in a mess. Not literally, but you get my drift. The past kept haunting and the future seemed bleak. And then one fine day, I woke up and suddenly the sky was a different blue. I realized that I should not think so much about where my life was going to lead up to. The present seemed like a nice place to live in for a change. So I packed up my history and decided to keep it under lock and key. They're still there, mind you. I am not one who believes that the past should be forgotten and never be remembered. It's just that in order to live in the now, I can't afford to keep looking back. Because like it or not, life goes on. Suddenly things seem a whole lot less messier, though the new webs I'm weaving in efforts to untangle old webs are beginning to look pretty complicated and somewhat twisted, but as I've said, I am finally feeling somewhat better. So basically, the moral of the story is that nothing is ever simple. You may think it is, but somewhere along the way, something is going to jump out at you and say "you've been punk'd" (or something to that effect). Never think, not even for a moment, that life is a thornless bed of roses. I learnt that the hard way, so here's passing a piece of old advice, which I believe is not said often enough: Life is rarely pure and never simple. No one could have phrased it better than good ol' Oscar Wilde. Therefore I have opted to, in the words of Mark Twain, I’m throwing off the bowlines. I’m sailing away from the safe harbour. I’m gonna catch the trade winds in my sail. I am learning it the hard way that the life I thought I perfected this whole time is simply going to leave me with more pain and heartache. So here's to a clean slate. Here's to living for the moment. Here's to writing a new book altogether. Here's to me. Now, how can you not drink to that?

of propagating lies disguised as realizing dreams...

Somebody on facebook asked this question: Why did the Malaysian government spend millions of taxpayers' money to send a gay male model to space as a "space tourists"? Though I don't really care for Dr Sheikh's sexual preference, I completely agree with the question. From the start of the whole program I have been a sceptical observer. It just screamed utter nonsense from the get-go. Space study is something unique, exclusive, a specialization that requires a lot of dedication and intelligence and passion for the field. As is true for any other field of study for that matter. And leave it up to the Malaysian government to commercialize a field of specialization without taking into account the entire issue, but just to touch it on the surface and scream on the top of their lungs that we're great for doing this. How can you have a competition to select someone to go into space for research purposes? If the competition was restricted to members of the space study community then that would be ok. But the way the competition was structured, I could have applied. Whether I make it or not is besides the point, but fact still remains that I could have applied if I wanted to. What they're doing is exactly what the question asked - space tourist. They're sending a medical doctor into space to conduct some research for a few days and then come back and be applauded as a hero. Heck he's not even back yet and already he's being heralded as a hero. I'm sorry but I don't see him as a hero. I see him as a Malaysian scapegoat being used by the government to gain publicity for all the wrong reasons. Why on earth did we spend that money to send an unrelated individual to space when the momey could have been used to fund a better space research facility in Malaysia, so that one day, maybe twenty or thirty years down the road, we can have a truly malaysian astronaut blasting off into space in a malaysian program, not hitching a ride with another country. Why is it so difficult to look at things in the long run? That is the problem with the malaysian government, for the most part, they only care about the now. They want publicity, recognition, fame, but they don't realize that they're going about it the wrong way. The good doctor comes back after spending a few days in space. What next? Is he going to turn into a dedicated astronaut and follow that path of career? Or is he going to go back to his life as a medical doctor and be forgotten after a year? I believe it will be the latter. How would this benefit the space study program in Malaysia? Millions was spent trying to find the malaysian astronaut just to send him on a vacation into space, when the money could have been utilized for other meaningful purposes. I was at the mamak stall when the local tv stations were broadcasting Dr. Sheikh's blast-off event and most of the patrons there were cheering for the good doctor. What's worse than an ignorant government is the fact that the people are turning to be ignoramus' as well. I don't see anything to cheer, nothing to applaud for. By agreeing to such a program, that simply means agreeing to publicity stunts and meaningless efforts to put malaysia on the map. No offense meant to the good doctor, but he does not deserve this fame and recognition. All he is is a puppet on a string.

Eid Mubarak

The season of festivities is upon us again. Ramadhan flew by somewhat speedily and now here we are, another Eid to celebrate. Alhamdulillah the fasting month was a good one and much as I was dreading Eid this year, I'm actually enjoying myself. Smiles, laughter and all. I guess it's true how certain things happen in your life in order to give you a better perspective on other things. Anyway, it's gonna be a short post today, considering the fact that I should get off the internet and go mingle with the guests! Eid Mubarak dear readers... Maaf Zahir Batin... May the festivities bring smile to your lips and joy in your heart; as it is for me....

smile, and may your pain be worthwhile...

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...

If you smile

With your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

As I pray to the Lord for your life to be sweet and filled with all the happiness you may need, I pray that the angels watch you sleep, and guard you till the light comes shining through after night, and sorrow be kept away from your sight...

Every soul has a story to tell. Every present has a past, and every darkness was once bright with light. There may be sad stories, there may be tales of joy and wonder, and there may be those who are still wandering aimlessly around, looking for inspiration, looking for hope. What is life without hope? What is love without hope? It keeps you going in times of sorrow. Hope fills your heart with strength for a better tomorrow. But once you give up on hope, then you might as well give up on life. Putting up a brave front is an art that I have mastered to a near perfection. A feat that requires an enormous amount of strength. Strength that would not be possible without faith and hope. For over a year and a half, I have been threading amidst shattered dreams that prick like broken glasses. Some may think I'm simply blowing things way out of proportion, but all I can say to them is that each pain is unique, each sorrow is different and each heart bears it in its own way. I pulled through because I have faith in God and in the fact that He does things for a reason. There are no coincidences. And with that I believe that hope is always there. No matter what. The question remains however, as someone asked me earlier today, is do you move on? I looked deep into my heart and I smiled. For the first time in what has appeared to be aeons, I actually smiled inside. I had music in my head and I had rhythm in my feet, and I smiled. That question did not warrant a verbal answer. It was written in the stars. Penned in magic and crystallized to last through eternity.

Perhaps I'm going around in circles, but then again that's what we writers chose to call poetic license. Laughter is apparent again. Almost obvious, considering I'm even smiling to strangers. How uncanny the way the world turns. It affirms when you least expect it to. It tells you that the answer was there all these while. And I could see it clearly, clearer than a cloudless night, clearer than the sands on the beach.

As I move along forward, I look to the faces around me and smile at them. I take their hands and whisper to the wind. Hoping that it will carry my message across. There's strength in adversity. All it takes is a little courage to brave the storm. The tunnel was never dark, my eyes just got misty with all the tears. No matter what happens, I know what I know. And God knows what I know.

As for right now, I am embracing the moment and seizing the day. What is life if it is not lived? What is love if it is not felt? So all you have to do when you hit a brick wall, is pray and brave yourself to take a moment and close your eyes. Take it all in and realize that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. The question on whether you should stop loving or not is really something that only braving through will tell you. You may find yourself fearing the answer, but that's life folks. Just like a bed of roses. With thorns and petals and such. There is no such thing as having it easy. Every situation is different and difficult in its own right. It's how you approach it that makes all the difference in the world.

Live like you'll die tomorrow, dance like no one is watching....and love like the world is yours.
Only then will you be able to see the silver lining. The joy that seeps through like a ray of sunshine after a stormy afternoon. Take a moment and smell the rain. Sit quietly for a second and you may just hear a fairy singing. And then you'll be able to smile again.

of twists and turns...

Ever wondered about life and the funny turns it seems to take, especially when you least expect it? For some people, they seem to embrace the turns and keep moving forward, yet for those like me, we follow the turn but somehow we remember the past. We embrace it, cherish it and acknowledge the fact that it made us who we are. I used to think moving on was something I would never be able to do. But when I look at my life now, I realized that in some ways I have moved on. Otherwise I wouldn't even be here today. My strength and courage prodded me to keep my chin up and walk through each day no matter how painful it may get. And here I am, about a year and a half later, still breathing, still living, still remembering. I realized that from that moment my life took a drastic turn a year and a half ago, I have been moving on. Just not in the sense of forgetting.

My life has taken a few different turns lately. Turns I would never have thought possible for me. And yet each day keeps turning into nights, and each night keeps changing into a brand new day. With more things to laugh about, more things to smile about. I guess what matters right now is to take things as it is.

I have been admitting a lot of new acquaintances into my life lately, including reforging old ones. And they have given me some semblance of hope that I am indeed capable of looking at the silver lining again. No matter how thin it may be, it's still there. Giving me distraction, telling me that life goes on so why fight it? And yes I have embraced that somewhat immensely. I dared to open myself up again and braved myself to follow where the road may lead. There may be brickwalls ahead, there may be obstacles, there may be a million different things I know nothing about, but the journey is proving to be not as bad as I thought it was. There are dozens of friendly faces along the way, dozens of caring hands reaching out to guide me through, dozens of new things lurking behind closed doors. Dare I turn the knob and find out? I've unlocked a few doors and I must say I liked what I saw.

Laughing feels great after such a long time. That's what matters to me right now. It's like weights being lifted right off your shoulder. I never thought it would be possible to laugh that way again. Well perhaps not quite the way I used to before, but it comes pretty close. And as I said, living for what it is right now. Yes mr batman, you make me laugh again and that says a lot!

With the sun slowly rising, signifying the end to another night of laughter, I only have this to say...see you tonight batman!

Of dates and such....

October 2nd has arrived, yet again. A date which will forever be imprinted in my memory for as long as my heart and mind are intact, for as long as I live. Sometimes it feels like the whole thing was a dream; a magical happening that was too good to be true. Sometimes it feels like it happened so long ago. And sometimes it's as though it just happened yesterday. It's weird how time changes so much. Once upon a time, everything was perfect. To put it cornily, it was aglow with the light of a million fairies. But then you realize that you could lose everything and be left wondering where did all the good times go?

The year was 2003, the night was beautiful and the company was perfect. With one question, every single doubt and confusion simply went out the window and a door opened up. A door that led to possibilities in life, a door that was supposed to lead to eternity.

And today for the second time, I face this date on my own. I'm stronger now. Older, and stronger. With new paths to uncover, lined with friendly faces, and caring hands. As I gently thread on by, I look to these faces for assurance that I am really not alone. Old faces and new faces, they have taught me some valuable lessons. That if you fall behind, there will always be someone, if not a few, who will wait for you. All it took was the courage to close my eyes and realize that for all eternity, I will always have hope and the memories. The courage to tap a stranger on the shoulder and say, "It's a lovely day, isn't it?" The answer may surprise the most sceptic of sceptics.

The Poetry Page

I have decided to post my poems on the digital highway. I've written quite a few and I guess I just feel like sharing some of them online.
http://farahharith.blogspot.com

of looking back and letting go....

Have you ever felt so lost you just don't know how to resurface? Amidst the rush and the chaos, surrounded by so many troubling thoughts, you can literally feel yourself spiralling downwards not knowing when the crash will come. I never thought falling in love would be this painful. I've felt pain caused by love before and I survived through it all because the light at the end of the tunnel was so magical I practically had to pinch myself to make sure that I wasn't dreaming. And I thought that the pain was all behind me now. I've seen the worst and I survived. But none of those pain that I felt before can ever amount to the pain I'm going through now. People say that moving on is not that difficult. They say put the past behind you. They ask you to go out and meet new people. They tell you that you should move on for your own good. To those who say that, I have only one thing to say to them; you have never found true love. Only those who have never felt what it's like to love and be loved in return can easily ask you to move on. Moving on isn't just about getting up in the morning and going about your daily routine. The fact that I'm still standing, the fact that my life is still going on, the fact that I did not resort to suicide or just go bonkers doesn't mean that my love isn't real. All it means is that I've realized a strength in me I never knew I had. The strength that comes from loving someone so deep that you go about your daily life because that love propels you to. That love lives on in your heart and gives you the courage to wake up every morning and face the world. That love keeps the memories burning and warms you up inside. That love gives you hope. More importantly it gives you the courage to hope that someday it will come back to you. Some people may think I'm pathetic for feeling this way. Some think that when a relationship ends, then what's the point in yearning and hoping. Where's your sense of pride, they say. Get a life. Move on. He doesn't love you anymore. Stop being so pathetic. Etc etc.. But what they fail to see is that love is not about foolish pride, it's not about the fear of appearing like a pathetic idiot. Love is great. When you love someone, you love them with all your heart. And there's a reason why I love with all my heart. I did not condition myself to love him. It's not about finding someone simply for the sake of not ending up alone. It's about finding the right one. It's about realizing that all your life, the journey you made, the path you chose; has led you to that particular moment. The moment that you set eyes upon this complete stranger, and felt a certain connection. You didn't know it at the time, but as you build a friendship, as you get to know each other without expecting anything, as you slowly open yourself up to this person, that is when everything begins to make sense. That is when the pieces of the puzzle begins to fall into place. And then you realize that you're ready to give your heart away, to this person who understands you better than you understand yourself, who loves you unconditionally, who cares for you so much, who looks at you the way no one has before. That is when it hits you that you have fallen in love. And the progression of that relationship from that moment onwards is something that you could have never imagined. Yes you've seen hundreds of romantic movies, read thousands of romantic novels, listened to countless romantic songs, but nothing you read, saw or heard could ever amount to the feelings you felt when you were with him. Soulmates, they say. And a soulmate I found. That's true love. Now tell me how do you move on from all this? Especially when you understand fully that it was you who caused most of the mess that drove him away. How do you move on from that? I was so much in love I did not realize I was hurting him. I did not see that the things I was doing caused him pain. I failed to see that I was slowly beginning to take him for granted. I never meant to do all that. I was so comfortable being with him, so sure of our love that I took him for granted. Despite all the hurt and pain that I caused him, despite the break-up, despite losing a best friend and a lover, despite being away from him, despite everything, my love for him keeps growing stronger with each passing day. I'm not moving on, not because I enjoy the melancholy, not because I don't want to, but because I can't. I can't forget him. Not a day goes by that he isn't in my thoughts. I am not one of those stalker ladies who will terrorize the obejct of their obsession with calls, emails, letters, etc etc. I am not obsessed with him, i love him. I am simply a woman in love. Above all else, more than my own happiness, I want him to be happy. And if he can never truly be happy with me, then I pray to God that he finds someone who can make him happy. More than my own life, I want him to be safe, to get the best of everything, because he deserves only the best that life has to offer. I will always be here, my love and support will always be with him. I pray that someday we will get back together, but if that can never happen, then I pray that happiness will find him. He is truly an angel. A God-sent. My miracle.

of lights in the dark...

the path wobbled before my feet
the lights seem to flash and flicker and flash
then the crash came and i shut my eyes
i smile inside and cherish the lies


the beat resonated throughout my being
it shouted and yelled so very amusing
then came the crash and the lights went dim
i swayed and moved on a whim


flying away on imaginary wings
with leprechauns and elves, wizards and kings
amidst the clouds and dodging thoughts
of pain and heartaches, a life...suffering


eyes are still closed, yet hands are moving
reaching out for a flowing distraction
like water in a river, liquid motions
thoughts are far, far away almost ancient


leaving the space of shared enthusiasm
trying to get home, smiling, laughing
uncertainty taints the road to normalcy
succumbing again... eyes are closing


the path wobbled before my feet
the night is good to me, i kiss the lies
then came the crash and as i shut my eyes
i took a moment and stopped asking the whys

of questions and answers...

In this country, we are all masters of merely touching the surface of issues and assume that we have resolved the underlying matter. We tend to look at the facade of things and if it looks great then we automatically think that everything is indeed okay. As a wise man once said, assumption is truly the mother of all fuck-ups. Malaysia is all about what looks good. The fact that we have magnificent architectures beautifying our cities, great attractions to bring in the tourist, an apparent racial harmony, a supposedly functioning government, etc etc, then that means surely we have a great nation growing here. Yes we are a beautiful country and yes we seem to cohabit peacefully between the races, and yes our government is doing their job in educating our children, providing jobs to its citizens and keeping a stable economy that enables us to compete with developed nations. But have we stopped for a moment, amidst all this chaos of development, to think about what's brewing underneath? Have we bothered to take a minute and look at things the way they really are, and not the way we want to see it? I was never one to question much, but then I was blessed when my path crossed with a certain person who taught me to start looking at things objectively, and above all else, to question, and to seek answers. However unpleasant the answer may be, no matter how disturbing the truth may be. And I thank God that this person opened up my eyes to a new way of looking at the world, of looking at people. Just because we appear to be a peaceful country compared to warring nations like Palestine and Iraq, doesn't mean that everything is a bed of roses here. Just because our country looks more organized than India or Indonesia, doesn't mean that we are doing a good job of addressing the fundamentals and what really matters. I admit that I am thankful I was born in this country and that I am going through a good life here. But isn't that how things are supposed to be for every country? Isn't it the responsibility of every single government on the face of this earth to govern in the best interest of its people? Malaysians are being blind-sided by this simple fact, that they fail to see what's lurking beneath the surface. Yes we have to be thankful that we are not at war, and that our citizens are free to move around, but just because we are seemingly peaceful, doesn't mean that we should close one eye to the gross injustice and blatant ignorance for certain things that are abundant around us. The mentality of merely touching the surface of things and immediately assuming that everything else is as great as how the surface looks should come to a halt. We should educate our children to question things, teach them that there are always, ALWAYS two sides to a coin. Train them to put themselves in the shoes of the other side before judging a situation. Teach them not to discriminate. When we have a Malay woman in a 50-year old Malaysia saying to an Indian lady not to touch her table because "Kamu Hindu", then ladies and gentlemen, we are not okay. Infact we are so far from being okay that we don't even know what okay truly is anymore. I'm not the least bit proud to boast about being a part of a nation that has been independent for 50 years, especially not when these ignoramus' are still walking around, acting as though they are not doing anything wrong. Come on Malaysia, let's give our children something that they can truly be proud of. Buildings rise and buildings fall, governments come and go, but true human decency and courtesy are what makes us human, worthy of living on God's green earth.

of songs that convey a world of meaning...

If you're listening...

I wish that I could tell you
how I really feel
I wish you could believe
my love for you is real
all I know is,
I aint much without you
you really are the better part of me yesss

No matter how it goes (no matter how it goes)
I want you to know
You're my moon river, my dreammaker
my soulmate, you're like gold
Oh beautiful
beautiful
ooh baby...

Wish that I could change
the way things might have been
I wish we could start over and fall in love again
All I know is I wont ever doubt you
I wanna live inside your heart again

No matter how it goes (no matter how it goes)
I want you to know
You're my moon river, my dreammaker
my soulmate, you're like gold
Oh beautiful
beautiful
ooh baby...

Sometimes you chance upon a song, written so beautifully, so magically, that the words seem to speak out what's already written in your heart. On rare occassions, you find a song that appears to have been crafted specifically for you and your soulmate. It's like the songwriter suddenly decided to tap into your heart and soul and make a song out of it. At times like this, when it feels so hard to put your feelings into words, a song like this comes along and says it for you. This one is by Babyface and is called Wish That I Could Tell You. So if you're listening, I really wish I could tell you all this...

All I really want is to live inside your heart again....

of worms and holes...

If you can move forward, then you can also retract your step and move backwards. That is the basis of the whole time travel theory. Working on that premise, all we need is simply a progression from that idea. Time moves forward, however if we can look for a tear in the fabric of time, then the whole concept of time travel would be possible. A hole, a mere abnormality that we can use to manipulate time. Imagine this; time is a blank, white piece of cloth, perfect in its construction and flawless in its flow. However if a tear presents itself or is created, then time can be manipulated to move backwards. The challenge lies in producing or looking for that particular tear. Through the course of history, man have been toying with this idea and experimenting with it, hoping that they will hit the jackpot and find the Einstein-Rosen Bridge.

A tear in the fabric of time, or a wormhole as it is more scientifically known, is an idea, or a shred of hope that time travel is possible. The idea of time travel has been commercialized for a long time. The Dolorean for instance was a time machine that provided the background for Steven Spielberg’s Back to the Future Trilogy. Kate & Leopold was a love story based on time travel. Why are humans so obsessed with time traveling? The answer is rather simple, I presume. Familiar with the saying to err is human, to forgive divine? I first encountered this saying when I was back in my primary school and it has always proven to be one of the truest sayings in the English language.

Man has been known to make mistakes ever since the dawn of time. And with mistakes, comes regret. However not many are able to realize the mistakes that they have done. Some move on obliviously and dwell blissfully in their own filth of ignorance. And then there are those who regret their mistakes and constantly pray for a way to correct them. Some are lucky enough to be given a chance to right their wrongs. Some go on wishing and praying for the day that they will be forgiven and gain the chance to make things right again. Some get their chances, some don’t. It is the fear of the unknown; of whether your chance will come or not, that will slowly eat you up inside. This is when you begin to wish that you could go back in time and do things differently.

So here I am, hoping that somehow I can achieve what Einstein failed, what Rosen could not do, and what Schwarschild was working on; how to combine the wormhole theory with the theory of time dilation and link it with the whole theory of relativity to make the clock reverse itself, so I can go back in time and right all my wrongs. I am harboring a huge load of regret and pain that comes with hurting the people you love. More than wanting to alleviate myself from this suffering, I want to make things right because the people I wronged deserved only the best and what I ended up doing was produce hurt and disappoint them. I loved and I love still. With that in mind, I always pray for a chance to make things right. What’s worse than your own suffering is hurting those you love.